IBS takes a stand on teen pregnancy

We here at Irritable Blog Syndrome have decided to put our politics on the the line and actually take a stand -- a stand on pregnancy. IBS is against teen pregnancy. In fact, we're against ALL pregnancy, for we believe that it is a really, really bad idea to bring children into this world until AFTER the Revolution, until AFTER capitalism has been destroyed (by us, of course -- but give it time: we're doing all we can!). But, if you are one of those women or men who feel the need to have a child, we suggest the Fetus Cookie Cutter, pictured above. You can crank out as many "children" as you like, name them, make them in various flavors, and turn your "child" into a taste sensation! You can eat your children like some figure from a really, really horrible Greek tragedy and actually enjoy it, too! Mmm, chocolaty goodness! Now you can eat your young like certain resource-concerned animals do, and get back to nature! Entertain your friends! Let THEM eat your "babies," too! Fun for the whole family -- or rather, lack thereof. Only $9.99! Act now and get absolutely free the Ex-Husband Castrated Penis Cookie Cutter and the Anorexic Amoral Teen Daughter Baby-In-A-Dumpster Cookie Cutter! Don't delay, act today! Operators are standing by. Really. I kid you not.

Christian "Scientists" are INSANE!

Comrade X rarely reads the paper, as it depresses and enrages him, but with this new health care carrot being dangled before us, Comrade X became interested in what minor changes to the existing structure our self-congratulatory "leaders" had recently enacted. Well, in reading about this (which is not what this post is about), Comrade X came across a curious article in The New York Times (3/24/10, if you care to look it up, though I will be giving you the choice bits here, so it shouldn't be necessary for the hard-working and pressed-for-time proletarian to do so) about Christian Science (that Christian sect who rejects modern medicine), which did two things: it reminded Comrade X that those people are still out there, and it depicted a new level to the insanity and depravity they espouse as a doctrine. To wit:

1. "In recent years, the church has been lobbying to convince lawmakers that its approach is an alternative way of tending to the sick, and that its costs should be covered by insurance companies and included in health care legislation." Okay, first of all, praying is not an alternative way of tending to the sick -- it's a way of AVOIDING tending to the sick, which, strictly speaking, could be seen as an alternative, I'll grant them that. BUT: including the "costs" in insurance coverage? How much does it cost to stand around a sick person and PRAY? Where's the cost? Do you have to buy special clothes to do this? No. Do you have to take time off work to do this and you should be compensated for that? No. You can pray AT work, silently, in your head, all day long if you like. Does prayer only work if you are in the vicinity of those you're praying for? These people seem to think so (let it be noted that Comrade X in no way believes in "the power of prayer," but is merely pointing out logical inconsistencies in what these people are trying to present as a logical argument). And include it in health care legislation? How, exactly? You can do this praying thing now, if you want -- you need a law specifically stating that you can act like a moron? OH OH OH: AND they have LOBBYISTS! FUCKING HELL! Who is LISTENING to these people? Can we impeach them for gross idiocy and holding a medieval worldview (it should be noted that this is an insult to medieval medicine, of course, as they at least TRIED to do something for sick people back then)?

2. "The church trains and registers its practitioners to help patients with their prayers." WHAT?! They have put a veneer of professionalism on this most backward and idiotic of ideas by actually LICENSING idiots to help other idiots hope for the best with their illnesses? Because, you know, not just ANYBODY can say, "Dude, just pray to get better and you will. Believe me!" And what could this training consist of?
"So, Jedediah, if you have a man with black boils all over his body and a fever of 120 degrees, and his extremities have just exploded, how would you help him with his prayers to return to health?"
"Well, suh, I guess I'd jes' tell thet ol' boy to go ahead an pray like hell, cause God surely will hear him if he hollers loud enough."
"No, no, no, Jedediah, you must do this as a PROFESSIONAL! You need to find the RIGHT prayer and tell the sufferer to put his hands just so, and say the prayer."
"Even if'n his hands is exPLOded?"
"Yes, Jedediah, even then. Can you think of the prayer you would use?"
"Uhh ... ummm ... thet one about how he hopes he gets better?"
"Yes, my boy, YES! That's the one! Come forward and receive your certification!"

3. "His credentials as a practitioner consist of a friendly Midwestern manner and a certainty that sickness is the manifestation of a conflict between 'correct' and 'incorrect' thinking. He does not believe in germs or the existence of illness, which they consider a dreamlike state." Oh, okay, now I get it -- there actually ARE criteria for being a licensed church prayer practitioner. You have to be a hick and a fucking moron. I get it. You also have to deny the existence of any and all facts related to human health and biology and hold completely crazy ideas about the definition of sickness.
"You are not sick, my friend, you're just in a dreamlike state."
"Really? Cause it hurts like a motherfucker."
"No, no, that's not real pain. You're just engaging in incorrect thinking, and the 'pain' you think you feel is merely a manifestation -- psychic, of course, not physical -- of the conflict between your incorrect idea that you're 'sick' and the correct idea that you're not sick."
"Oh, so if I just think correctly about this, I'll be fine?"
"Yep, that's right."
"Golly gosh geewillikers, thanks, Mr. Magoo! I was such an idiot about this! Duh! I thought I was actually in pain! Can you believe it?"
"Well, we all make mistakes, Timmy, don't feel bad about it. Now you just go right ahead and start thinking yourself into correctness."

4. "They would not discuss the care of children or let a reporter witness a treatment session. And neither practitioner was willing to discuss the new flexibility [under which the "church" now claims it will not ostracize its members for seeking medical care] described by Mr. Davis [the hick of the preceding paragraph]." OF COURSE NOT! BECAUSE THEY'RE LYING ABOUT THIS AND JUST WANT TO ERASE THE STIGMA THEIR MANIAC LUNACY HAS BROUGHT UPON THEM! "Hey, Lester, c'mere -- how we gonna keep all them reporters and lawyers and cops and FBI agents and social workers and other Christians and such outta our bizniss?" "Well ... we could jes' lie!"

5. "In Christian Science [...] sickness and suffering are misunderstandings -- or [...] 'a mistaken belief' in the 'power of ill health.'" WHAT?!

6. "One of the practitioners [...] said a patient who came to him with a lump under his arm was experiencing 'a manifestation of fear, not a lump.' The other practitioner [...] said that if a patient had a bleeding gash in his his arm, 'I would try to calm this person, and help him overcome the fear.' Such a patient is suffering anxiety over the illusion that something has injured his 'true self,' when the gash has only happened to his 'material self' [.]" How many logical fallacies can you locate in the previous quoted material?
"Hey, Rufus, I got a lump under my arm the size of a baseball."
"No you don't."
"Yeah, I do, lookee here, it's right there!"
"Naw, that ain't no lump."
"It ain't?"
"Oh, hell no! It's just a manifestation of fear."
"Really?"
"Sure! Now just go on home and stop thinkin' about it."
"You sure I ain't manifestin' fear BECAUSE I got a lump under my arm?"
"Naw, it's t'other way 'round!"
"Well, okay. Thanks, Rufus."
"Anytime, George."
Now, as to this other "practitioner," what the fuck? She won't even offer the poor guy a BAND-AID? Just tells him to ignore his BLEEDING GASH and stay calm because his "true self" is fine, fuck his material self, it doesn't matter. So you bleed out, so what? And please don't get any of that on the carpet. (It is interesting to note that eventually, when this does become part of insurance coverage, given the insanity and complete idiocy of our "lawmakers," malpractice laws surrounding this will consist of practitioners being sued for actually trying to stop bleeding, extract huge pieces of metal from people's heads, etc.)

7. And last but not least: they have the unmitigated gall to CHARGE for these "treatments"! "The treatment does not cost much. Patients pay $25 to $50 per consultation, whether for a five-minute phone conversation, an e-mail exchange or a face-to-face visit." Now, they seem to be onto something here: if I could charge someone $50 to send an email telling him not to worry about his cancer, that it's just incorrect thinking and that he should just say "Please God cure my cancer" every thirty minutes until he eventually dies from it, well, I'd be tempted to take that job, too. Wouldn't you? Oh, wait, no we wouldn't, because we have MORALS.


Oy. And one last thing: "'Given the complete lack of scientific evidence of the efficacy of prayer in treating any illness or disorder in children,' [American Academy of Pediatrics] officials wrote Senate leaders in October, 'mandating coverage for these services runs counter to the principles of evidence-based medicine.'" Now, does this scare you as much as it scares me, that Senate leaders (LEADERS, mind you) had to be TOLD this?

Oy and double oy.

Hey, Do you want to play game now ?

"Okay, here...I help.

One of these things is not like the other things.

One of these things , it doesn't belong.

Can you guess which thing is not like the other thing before I finish my sooooong?!!!"

Did you try with all your might ? Did you guess right ?

LIQUIBEADS! Huh?

PLEASE , can we all be dead before ANYONE on earth inserts a moisture bead up their bagina ?

Dear lord, please let there be a recall... forever.

Hey, moron! Turn your truck around NOW!

Not only are we subject to the constant demand to buy, O My Comrades, but we are also treated like IMBECILES by the governing bodies who regulate EVERY ASPECT of our behavior. This is not in any way The Land of the Free, Comrades, as I'm sure you're well aware. And in most cases, the action taken by the bourgeoisie to control us is impersonal (they're not even there in person to keep us down -- they just put up a sign!) and unmonitored (we're supposed to police OURSELVES, in their interest, by obeying their demands, written, as I said, on signs, signs they post EVERYWHERE and which WE pay for and which usually SERVE NO PURPOSE AT ALL other than to remind us of their power and our helplessness, to instill fear, and to TREAT US LIKE RETARDED CHILDREN!). Take, for instance, this sign, recently noticed by Comrade X as he was visiting his accountant to file his taxes (taxes which will then be used to buy more signs like this one, no doubt):

1. Okay, who the fuck would WANT to park in that strip of dirt by the freeway off-ramp ANYWAY? Why do they feel the need to tell people NOT to do that? And even if they DID want to park there, what harm would it be to do so? IT'S A STRIP OF DIRT! No one lives there, no one has a business there, no one walks there, no one drives there, obviously no one PARKS there, so WHO CARES?

2. Even if for some reason I had an overwhelming desire to park there instead of the parking area which is on the closer side of the sign, HOW WOULD I GET IN THERE? There are, as you can see, blockades to keep cars out (there is another just to the left that didn't make it into the picture)! In fact, the SIGN ITSELF acts as such a blockade! To park in there, I'd have to run over the sign (or have a car two feet wide)! Did they feel that the blockades weren't enough? That people would, in their fervor and delirium and utter insanity, smash through them to park on that strip of land? "Fuck the guv'ment, Martha, I'se parkin' muh truck on thet there dirt and ain't no one kin stop me! This's a duh-MOK-ricy, goddammit!"

3. The blockades THEMSELVES have "No Parking" signs on them! Do they think we're all giants and can't possibly see anything that's only two feet off the ground? Do we never look down? Do we forget to correct for the curvature of the planet and always keep our heads tilted slightly upward? Were the signs not BIG enough? Are we all purblind?

4. If I did want to park there, all I'd have to do is drive over the curb of the freeway off-ramp and onto the dirt. Why are there no blockades or signs on THAT side of the dirt strip?

5. Subject to tow? Even if I did manage to get my car in there, possibly using the just-mentioned method of approach from the non-blockaded side, HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET A TOW TRUCK in there to tow me away? Is this even a real threat? Does the tow truck have to stay in constant motion to avoid actually parking and being itself subject to tow? I don't see anywhere on the sign where it says "Except for tow trucks." So how does THAT work? AND AND AND: what if I just DRIVE through there, or drive in there and just spin around in circles? Is THAT legal (and speaking of legality, where is the city ordinance reference you normally see on signs that says that it actually IS illegal to park in there? Or don't they even bother to put those references on signs anymore, thinking us thoroughly cowed)? And who is going to tow me if I do park there? On whose authority?)? As long as I don't actually park, am I okay?

Ah, Comrades, we are all fools adrift in a sea of signs, a sea of commands, unable to do anything but comply with the thousand thousand demands made of us every day, the myriad constraints on our actions.

Are we going to take this?

This is who you get when you call Sallie Mae

Have you called Sallie Mae yet? Did you get the Yell Staff? This is the training center for EVERY SINGLE PERSON who works at call centers or any other agency where you have to negotiate a completely confusing phone tree that routes you from one unwanted option to another for twenty minutes until you finally start hitting random buttons to get an actual operator (after a twenty- to one thousand-minute wait) who merely tells you that they can't do what you want, no way, nuh-uh, never in a million years. And, when you ask why not, they get pissy and pull out their Yell Staff, Inc., manuals and go down the list:

1. Attack customer's basic premises. Example: Customer: "I want to renegotiate my loans." Staff member: "You already negotiated them. We don't REnegotiate them. It's impossible. You can't redo what you've already done. You signed contracts. Your request is unreasonable. Therefore, your conclusion -- that your loans will be renegotiated -- is untenable. Sorry! [Hang up.]"

2. When customer becomes enraged after being told that you will do absolutely nothing for them, tell them all the reasons why their rage is completely unjustified and will not be tolerated. Staff member: "I will NOT be spoken to that way, sir! Your problems are YOUR problems, and you should deal with them before calling us. We are not psychiatrists. We don't care about your personal life. I am disconnecting you now. But first, let me just say: you need to reevaluate your life. Your priorities are in disarray. You, sir, are a mess and a child and are in no way capable of acting as a productive member of an adult society. [Hang up.]"

3. Insult your customer and then give a false name so it can't be traced back to you. Staff member: "You're a fuck-up, dude! It's laughable -- HA! -- to think that I'm going to do ANYTHING for you! You don't know where I am, so your threats are meaningless, and I don't care about you, and there's no way I'm getting my fat ass out of this chair to help you in any way and NO WAY I'm asking anyone anything about your problem and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I'm pushing any buttons on this computer to make your problem disappear, so fuck off! My name is Nebuchadnezzar, feel free to talk to my manager about this if you're not completely satisfied with the service you've received. Ha! Loser. [Hang up.]"

The Yell Staff, Inc., manual is not overly-complicated. Very simple directions, mostly taken from observations about how people really treat each other every day in this crappy degraded capitalist world of mannerless fucks.

Suck on These Sugar Tits of Capitalism!

Yes, Konbiyootoron IS Japanese for "The Sugar Tits of Capitalism are Loaded." It's a pun in both languages. The minute you think you're getting a free ride, BLAM! Right in the face. Both barrels. That's capitalism: one fucking hard-core robotic bitch. No free rides: you do what it tells you to do. The question is: when that bitch comes a-knockin', what ARE you gonna do? Well, most people do what they're coerced to do: THEY SHOP! But not Comrade X, oh no, Comrade X has a plan to deal with the Capitalist Overlords when they start sending out Automated Feminoid Coercion Devices (which you KNOW they're developing right now in secret bunkers under that mountain where the NORAD command center is). Here's the plan:

1. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR. When you hear the knock, I figure you've got probably ten seconds before they smash your door down (or blast it down with their mammary guns), which gives you just enough time to:

2. Jump out the window and:

3. Run like hell to the nearest ATM and:

4. Withdraw ALL YOUR MONEY, thus:

5. Causing a HUGE shortfall in liquid capital bank reserves, which will:

6. Create a world-wide panic resulting in:

7. A stock plunge of such mammoth proportions that NOTHING will be able to fix it, thus signaling the end of capitalism as we know it.

YES, I am aware that this has happened before! But this time it will be different! This time there will be ROBOTS!

Oh, and be careful: the robots will be equipped with LED screens (designed by Apple) which will display your mother's face (in HD) telling you to go out and spend. Yes, the government plans to Freud you into buying shit.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Comrade Y raises a good point about Sallie Mae, the fascistic governmental "lending" institution

I suppose you've heard of Sallie Mae's new Upromise program? No? I suppose Comrade Y, in her terror and fury, forgot to tell you about this. Well, here's what this new Upromise (You promise me what, Sallie Mae? That you'll continue your fine service of uncaring bureaucratic incompetence and longstanding tradition of FUCKING ME OVER?) is all about (in their words, with THE TRUTH inserted as editorial comment by Your Ever-Faithful and Lidless-Eyed Watchdog, Comrade X):

Here is the original verbiage from the website:

"Sallie Mae offers a free service to help pay down your loans --Upromise Loan Link. Join Upromise for free and let thousands of participating companies, products, and services help you earn money that can be used to help pay down your eligible Sallie Mae-serviced loans. Earn 1%-25% when you purchase goods and services from participating online and offline partners and dine out at participating restaurants. It's free."


And that's it. Huh? Well, here is the REAL story, as exposed by the editorial additions and clarifications of Comrade X:

"Sallie Mae offers [Sallie Mae never OFFERS anything -- they DEMAND shit (i.e., money), and keep demanding it until the day you die, then try to demand it from anyone you might have know, and if you refuse to give them any money while you're still alive the IRS then demands it and then they send the army to your house to demand it] a free [NOTHING IS FREE! WHEN WILL PEOPLE STOP FALLING FOR THIS LIE??????!!!!!!] service [They don't know the meaning of the word "service"] to help pay down your loans [Which is EXACTLY what they DON"T want because then they couldn't harass you, which they get special CIA and OSS and Mossad training in and have to go to top-secret Army Harassment School to perfect and then spend a year living in a special underwater facility where they learn to say nothing but the word "NO" and refuse to provide any information, no matter how much they're verbally abused] --Upromise Loan Link [Okay, that's just obscene -- loan link? What the fuck is that? Link my debt to my other debt so I can create more debt? Or link as in turd, because that's what this smells like] . Join Upromise for free [AGAIN with the LIES!!!] and let [hundreds of] thousands of [dollars of interest] participating companies, products [Participating products? How does a product participate? Do they call up a roll of toilet paper and say, "Hey, Cottonelle, with your 12 -- I mean really 24 -- rolls, do you want to participate in a program that takes student loan debt and links it to consumerism to make people who already don't have any money because they're giving it all to us spend MORE money? Don't you want a chunk of this pie of dumbasses who made the unholy mistake of borrowing money from a fascist lending organization? Do ya? Huh? HUH?!"] , and services [Again -- can't participate! Who writes this shit?] help you earn money [Now that is TOTALLY backwards -- how do you EARN money by SPENDING money (money you don't have) and going FURTHER into debt? "Hey, kid, come here, I have a deal for ya -- you borrow sixty thousand dollars, pay me back two hundred thousand dollars and change, and get this credit card and borrow another two thousand dollars and pay me back four thousand dollars and I'LL pay YOU a penny for every thousand dollars you put on the card or pay back in interest! How does that sound? Good, right?" Only the fucking government could come up with a "deal" like this -- and think anyone would buy into it!] that can be used to help pay down [Lie #2,337: they don't want you to pay down your loans!] your eligible [Fine print: no money borrowed from any institution linked to Sallie Mae or like Sallie Mae or that IS Sallie Mae is eligible] Sallie Mae-serviced loans [Yeah, you can service my loan, bitch!]. Earn 1%-25% [On what? Where? How? Based on what? I like how there's no information AT ALL about how this works in this little "promotional blurb"] when you purchase goods and services from participating online and offline partners and dine out at participating restaurants [Again -- how is this a deal, exactly?]. It's free [See previous twenty rants] and easy [NOTHING is easy when you deal with Sallie Mae! Oh, it's easy to GO into debt, impossible to GET OUT of it]."

What the fuck? And I'm not surprised it takes an hour to log on. It's the FUCKING GOVERNMENT and they can't design a computer system that works to save their fucking lives. No wonder this country is in such a mess and the Republicans can steal elections without even really trying that hard. They must actually be disappointed that it's that easy.Oh, and of course they give you questions you can't answer, and never let you make up your own. What the fuck? EVERYONE does that! It's like they bought a set of questions from some consulting company whose sole purpose in life is to get you to give answers to things you can't remember (as Comrade Y mentioned in her own post)! Like:

1. What room number was your mother in when you were born?
2. What is the middle name of the Treasury Secretary of Botswana?
3. How many millimeters did your mother's uterus dilate when she was in her third hour of labor?
4. What was the first word you ever misspelled?
5. How much did your third cousin's second dog's shit weigh after it ate its first human food?
6. What is the speed of light divided by pi and subtracted from the cosine of the diameter of the moon if the moon were three times larger than Shea Stadium but twice as small as the biggest county in Montana?
7. How much money do you actually owe, total, to everyone, right this second?

Fucking hell!

Sallie Mae I Borrow a Cup of Sugar ?

Once upon a time, a poor little rich girl got a loan from an evil overlord who ruled a land called "EDUCATION"...

My hick cousin Sallie Mae is such a fucking jerk! Gawd, I borrowed money from her like a thousand years ago. I was pretty sure I'd never have to pay her back since she lived in the woods with no plumbing and what would she need it for anyway, the homey little bitch?

Wow, did she change !

Who knew she would marry that filthy rich dufus from 7-11 who gets a kick back every time someone buys "Tacos at Midnight" flavor Dorritos! Now she hangs with the hottest "suits" (such a whore!) in "lobbies" in Washington, DC, and she wants her money back TRIPLE. She is relentless !

AND you should see the guys she has after me ...

Now I'M the hick .

-- Y

P.S.Just trying logging onto Sallie Mae's web site.

I dare you.

After you loose your little notebook with all the passwords and you get another password & login ID for the EIGHTIETH time, you then have to answer a thousand questions you've forgotten the answers to:

1. Who was your first pet?

Was "Butterball" the hamster my first pet, or was it Oscar, the turtle who I fed raw hamburger to, and who subsequently died with convex eyeballs?

2. What is your favorite band?

What was my favorite band way back when I started this fucking NIGHTMARE called "Lets try to go to graduate school by borrowing money from a psychopathic organization who will hunt me down, rip out my liver, sell it to the highest bidder and THEN charge me googolplex interest"?

3. In what way will you try to jump off a roof when you find out how much you owe us?

A cannon ball?

Just try finding the place on their website to download a deferment form.

Go ahead. Meet me back here in two days.

At last: THE GREAT DEBATE IS OVER!

OH THANK GOD!

How long has this country, no, this WORLD, been torn apart by the ravages of The Great Debate, that intractable horrible argument among men, among nations, that "debate" that could never be solved, which doomed millions and millions of young men, in trenches, in jungles, in caves and deserts -- that interminable WAR over the ONE UNANSWERABLE, IMPONDERABLE QUESTION --

UNTIL NOW!!!

Yes, my Comrades, luckily for us all, yea, for the world itself, if not the entire universe, The Great Debate has finally been decided: the Great and Glorious Leaders of the World's Largest Corporations (BOTH of them!) met in Geneva last week and signed the General World Peace Accord Deciding the Great Toilet Paper Presentation Debate, naming as the winner in this world-ravaging conflict the mighty, benevolent, and holy Kleenex Company, through its subsidiary the Cottonelle Toilet Paper Corporation, Inc., that long-standing proponent of the Over-the-Top Position. Let the world celebrate! Turn your toilet paper around into The One World Government's Approved Toilet Tissue Presentation Direction, yes, turn it around!

Oh, and on top of all that (as if that weren't enough!), it's also now softer and stronger! As we see on the packaging, the puppy, that universal symbol of freedom and peace, is HAPPY! Softer and stronger AND the winner of The Great Debate!

AND AND AND: it's only $5.89! World peace at the low, low cost of $5.89 for 12 double- (or 24 single-) layered rolls! Imagine that!

Does it get any better than this? Truly we are living in a Golden Age, a huggable, tuggable Golden Age.

Oh, my Comrades, Comrade X is happy tonight. Now let us all join hands and sing, sing, SING!

There's a kind of hush,
All over the world,
Tonight,
All over the world ...

The third brand

1. "Be kind to your behind." This is obviously not marketed to all the people out there who enjoy anal abuse or industrial-strength toilet paper or the "extra durable" sandpaper-textured stuff you (this verbiage implies) get with other brands. And further, it's phrased in the form of a command: the imperative mood is used as a kind of capitalist order, a fascistic demand with a kind of implied ad baculum fallacious reasoning ("Be kind to your behind. Or else! We have ways of making you be kind to your behind!" [This works better if you read it in a Hollywood Nazi accent]), all in an attempt to make the soft-brained proletarian consumer pick up this product without thinking, fearing the bourgeois threat of what will happen if they are, indeed, NOT kind to their behinds by using this toilet paper which offers by way of evidence of its kindness to your behind this description of its intrinsic qualities:

2. "tuggable huggable softness." Okay, first: Why are you tugging on your toilet paper? It shouldn't be a struggle. Is it not perforated? And if it's "tuggable softness," then you shouldn't really have to tug, should you? Is this being marketed to the enfeebled and hopelessly befuddled, those who can't actually figure out how to separate the needed sheets from the roll? And aren't those people the first who get sent to the wall when the bourgeoisie want to reduce excess labor to create further competition among workers so they can drive down wages? Oh, yes, insidious, indeed. And second: "huggable softness"? Listen, if you actually hug your toilet paper, then there's nothing I can do for you. You're lost. And if you hug it AFTER you use it, then I DEFINITELY don't want to hear about it and please please PLEASE stop reading this blog immediately and go straight (do not pass Go, do not collect $200) to your nearest Emergency Mental Health Clinic and see if they can do anything for you, because YOU, my fecally-fixated friend, have a fucking problem!

Number 2 (so to speak) in the series

ULTRA STRONG? My god, man, how hard do you wipe? Is your asshole like sandpaper? What do they make this Charmin out of -- tungsten? Carbon fiber? How is this Charmin different from Charmin Basic? Nowhere on the wrapper does it say what the difference is! Where can I find this information out? How do they determine this taxonomy?

And THANK GOD you get a DEPENDABLE clean from this toilet paper, because I HATE HATE HATE the undependable clean you get from OTHER toilet papers! HOWEVER: how does one KNOW it's dependable? Do you check your underwear after you wipe? HOW DO YOU KNOW? Do you just take their word for it? Aren't they ALL dependable? And really, doesn't the dependability of the clean depend on the PERSON WIPING and not the material used to wipe?

And again with the stupid fake math! Aaaaaargh!

And what the fuck difference does "diamond weave" (whatever THAT is) make?

Comrade X returns to an old subject (with new information!)

Well, here we are again, discussing the one thing that truly defines culture and separates the first world from the rest of it. Comrade X looks first (with more to follow) at this particular manifestation of the product which we all use, all need, and all want, and can't do without, capitalism or no capitalism: Charmin Basic. Okay, point by point:

1. Basic? Is there a Charmin Advanced? Is it more complicated to use? Can it do algebra? Will it do your taxes? More importantly, can you write it off your taxes? Does it take TWO hands to properly manipulate? Do you have to have an advanced ass to use it? Does it incorporate "space age technology"? Is it made of "microfibers"? Do you have to pass a test to use it? Geez.

2. Again with the phony math! 18 BIG rolls DOES NOT equal 36 regular rolls! And what exactly is the difference between regular and big (I know other brands actually spell this out -- does Charmin assume we already know the fake equation here?)? Please see my previous post (2/18/2010) on why this advertising tactic is the STUPIDEST THING out there, and can only appeal to the STUPIDEST CONSUMER! Aaaarrgh!

3. The three bears? Why are animals ALWAYS used to advertise this product? I'm baffled.

4. Long lasting? How long do you need it, exactly? How many seconds is the toilet paper really in contact with your butt? Half a second? Is this designed to capture the market of wipers who like to take their time using this product? And who would take their time in this task? I don't know about you, but I like to get that part of that activity over with as fast as possible.

5. Durable? Is it made of reinforced wood pulp fibers? Wood pulp "microfibers"? How durable do you need it to be? How abrasive is the surface you're WIPING? Isn't it usually the other way around?

Are you as confused as I am by this? Who comes up with this stuff? What makes them think it will be effective? And how exactly do we CHOOSE a toilet paper brand in the first place? Do you know when you first decided to use yours? Or why? Hmm ...

Lassie come home and bring me my eyelashes.

I mean, Latisse come home and bring me back my eyelashes.

So much to watch. So much wrong. SUCH a bad idea. Fuck them.
http://www.latisse.com/Default.aspx?return=true

So Brooke sez:
"Once this guy Lucifer wanted to sleep with me and I was like,

'Mom ! Do I have to ?'

He was gross and ate too much mayonnaise, so I broke up with him.

What? I was only 13 !

He found me on Facebook after all these years,and we are really making a go of it.

But guess what ? I ended up with bald eyes!"

The devil is really sweet and really, really rich !!

'Here my darling, I created LATISSE just for you.Use it and spread the word but be warned--

Use may cause darkening of eyelid skin which maybe reversible."

LATISSE^® under close doctor supervision. May cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible, and there is potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely to be permanent. There is a potential for hair growth to occur in areas where LATISSE^® solution comes in repeated contact with skin surfaces. If you develop or experience any eye problems or have eye surgery, consult your doctor immediately about continued use of LATISSE^®. The most common side effects after using LATISSE^® solution are an itching sensation in the eyes and/or eye redness.

1."LATISSE^® use may cause darkening of the eyelid skin."

(Nice . We can look like Zombies!)

2. "Which may be reversible." ( may be ?)

3. "May also cause increased brown pigmentation of the colored part of the eye which is likely to be permanent" (The colored part ? You mean the IRIS ?)

4. "It is possible for hair growth to occur in other areas of your skin that LATISSE^® frequently touches" (What ? Wait....WHAT ?--Oooh you mean my fingertips will sprout eyelashes? AWESOME)

You know, of course, this means they are trying to kill us.

What planet do the pharmaceutical companies come from ? Who do they think they are?

Perhaps they are those rather large Alien monstrosities on "The Twilight Zone" who wanted to "Serve man".

What do they want from us ?

I'm pretty sure they are trying to take over and kill us all.

Brooke, how much are they paying you, dear ? IS IT WORTH YOUR LIVER AND YOUR SOUL?

-Y

P.S. Check out this web sight and tell me what you think about it. You might want to use a public phone because they can trace the call back to your house.

http://www.realself.com/

I heart mayo

I like mayo, too, but not enough to eat an entire bag of it at once. Because, once you open this, then what? You can't save it, there's no "reseal zipper," no way to keep the opened bag from leaking its contents all over your refrigerator. The packaging seem to indicate that INSIDE the bag there's ANOTHER container, a bottle in which is the mayo (which would be a very Japanese thing to do), but I'm not seeing the bottle in the bag. Just a bag of mayo. Yum.

Another capitalist lie! Another ruse? They make you think you won't have to throw away what you don't use, but you will -- one sandwich and then you throw away 95% of what you just paid for. Unless it's a really, really big sandwich ...

Comrade X is baffled by Japanese culture

Comrade X finds this curious: this photo, sent from one of our overseas correspondents fighting for the cause in Japan, depicts what appears to be AN ENTIRE SECTION of a pharmacy devoted to LAXATIVES! Now, here, in this country, I don't think we have entire sections devoted to this particular product, do we? And what is the difference between one laxative and another? Aren't they all made out of the same things? AND: we DEFINITELY do not put A HUGE ICON displaying what appears to be a small girl, possibly standing in front of a toilet, possibly sitting on it, it's hard to tell, STRAINING AWAY to (unsuccessfully, it would seem) relieve herself. Please note the X's for eyes: in this culture, we draw those on corpses. Did she strain so hard she actually DIED trying to evacuate her bowels? Is this an Elvis reference? Are the Japanese more prone to constipation than we are? Are they proud of it? Do they really need to advertise it so ostentatiously? Couldn't they just put a discreet sign saying "laxatives" over the laxative section? Why does the depiction of constipation have to be so VIOLENT!? That kid, if not dead already, certainly looks like she (or he) is going to explode internally with a ruptured colon!

And who would be caught dead standing under that sign perusing the various remedies found there? It's like having a huge sign over your head saying "The person standing under this non-pooping icon cannot himself poop. So sorry! I hope he enjoys good colonic health and relief from the taking of these laxatives to loosen his impacted and constricted bowels!" Plus it would look like the kid was trying to shit on whoever was standing under her.

Is this part of the Japanese sense of humor? I wonder what icon they have over the vaginal health products?

Wait, I know: IT'S LIKE CAPITALISM IS TRYING SO HARD TO CRAP ON YOU BUT CAN'T! Perhaps we should adopt this icon for our Revolution ...

Hey, Purina! Cats don't take take psychedelic drugs!

http://www.youtube.com/purinafriskies

Okay, my Comrades, click on the link above, and then come back, but be warned: you might ACTUALLY LOSE YOUR MIND watching a cat go down the rabbit hole in search of (at least, I assume it's searching for) cat food, which, for some reason, it is being denied until it experiences a hallucinatory nightmare. And not just any cat food, but new Friskies Processed Pig Rectum n' Gelatin Gravy flavored cat food.

Exegesis:

The tag line of this video is: "Discover Adventureland! A Journey to delicious and beyond. FRISKIES wet cat food unlocks a magical world of sensory stimulation for your cat."

So, Point One: "Delicious" is not a place. One cannot journey there. And even if it were, how exactly does this product allow your cat to journey BEYOND delicious? Wouldn't it be fine just stopping there? What lies beyond "delicious"? MORE delicious? And do you think your cat CARES what things taste like if it's eating this processed offal-n'-sweepings from the slaughterhouse floor? AND AND AND: what the hell is a "magical world of sensory stimulation"? I don't know about you, but my cat gets all the sensory stimulation she needs from looking out the window and scratching the furniture. Nothing magical in that. So where does the magic come from? Do they put Ketamine or some kind of kitty LSD in the food? (And why, by the way, end the final sentence of their tag-line in a period? Don't advertisers love exclamation points? It seems even the Friskies people aren't too excited about this project.)

Point Two: THIS SITE HAS 52 SUBSCRIBERS AND 6 FRIENDS! I don't know who you people are, but what the fuck are you doing subscribing to a commercial? Or, even more insanely, being a "friend" of Friskies? I will, for the sake of my own sanity, assume that you think it's a joke and want to see more insanity when Purina puts it out, but somehow my better judgment says "Nope -- they're just plain crazy." And you can tell they're serious about this product because the comments there are not funny! For instance:

"Who sings the 'Feed the Senses' song?" Who the fuck CARES who sings that crappy commercial jungle? I'll tell you -- some fucking COMPUTER "sings" it, that's who!

"Makes you want to be a cat." NO IT DOESN'T! It makes me TERRIFIED! Terrified for every cat whose owner "friends" this site and then feeds it this death product! If I were a cat, and I had to go through this hell just to get some fucking food, I'd starve to death! It's horrifying! Here are the details of the commercial:

1. Cat enters kitchen, sees can of cat food which instantly turns into a swirling mass of hallucinatory color, only to coalesce into what looks like a giant bleeding anus. Cat, confused by this sudden display of chicanery and wondering where its food went, jumps into said bleeding anus only to emerge in a world of garish color and computer-generated terror.

2. Cat encounters a pack of flying and dancing (perfectly choreographed and with anatomically-impossible proportions, of course) turkeys who seem not to notice that in their midst is a creature whose prime function is to KILL THINGS LIKE THEM! Cat decides to ignore these swirling rotund monstrosities as it wanders further into the bowels, so to speak, of this "magical world of sensory stimulation," looking, I might add, not all that stimulated. More confused as to where the food went, I'd say. And obviously not appreciating all this "Adventureland" has to offer.

3. Cat then encounters a field of cows, which pose neither threat nor interest, so ignores them (as do we), and a bunch of windmills, some of which sit atop mounds of dirt floating in the air (and what good, exactly, is a windmill if it's just floating in the air? And who built them? Does this imply the presence of humans? Are they also magically stimulated?) until it sees this amphibious wicker fish-shaped craft, which, in the non-magical world, would SINK INSTANTLY upon contact with water, and cats, known for their love of sailing (according to the retarded animators and copywriters and ad executives who put this piece of crap commercial together without, one would assume, being instantly fired), GETS IN the boat (which has a kind of silk cushion for it to sit on), and sails off on the CGI ocean (or lake, or whatever it is), only to:

4. Sail past a goldfish imprisoned in a giant enclosed bowl (where does it get its oxygen? Why is it in a bowl of water raised above a sea of water? Is that a kind of fish prison? Or is it like a cage-dancing fish in the go-go world of magical stimulation?) and various penis-shaped fish with nasty-looking teeth which can somehow raise themselves out of the water to stare menacingly at the cat (I think they're singing, too) while flying fish escort the boat towards its ultimate goal, flying fish which the cat makes a half-hearted attempt to either kill or play with (you know it wants to kill them but is afraid of the penis fish which it probably thinks will imprison it, as well as the poor goldfish, in a water-filled bowl projected above the water at the shore, like a kind of warning that anything coming towards the ocean/lake/whatever is moving into a terrifying watery No-Cat's Land) until it reaches that goal, a sort of island on which:

5. A red carpet is rolled out by various sea creatures (pastel hermit crabs, mostly), and on either side of the carpet are little chicks (which any normal cat would kill instantly and eat, but not our cat, oh no, it's fixated on the foulness of the can of Purina it's following and ignoring all its instincts), more turkeys, and some other kind of chickenish-looking birds that are playing on drums (which we do not hear in the accompanying song), and the carpet leads to, yes, you guessed it:

6. The same bleeding rectum out of which the cat jumps (the rectum is now on the other side of the kitchen), and immediately finds a can of Purina Sickness Flavored Animal Chunks in a bowl waiting for it. How did it get there? Who knows! Who feeds this cat such things! Beats me! Why was it given hallucinogens first? Call the ASPCA!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

And, just for good measure, here are the lyrics to the commercial:

"What if one little pop could open a world of wonder?
So sensory, so satisfying, the discovery never seems to stop.
Journey to delicious and be-yond!

(Crappy musical interlude)

Excite your cat day and night with endless enchantment.
It's the magic Friskies makes happen every day, in so many ways.
Fri-skies, feed the sen-ses!"

Yeah, I know.

Oh, and you can watch it in HD!

WEAR ONCE PANTIES

Enclosed please find one black and one beige super scratchy plasticy paper Disposable THONG underpants.

MYTAGALONGS. Say it three times and you will be reborn in the Philippines.

In case you cant see the picture ( because I was laughing too hard to keep the camera steady), it says :

"Wear-once panties. Slips A Usage Unique."

Unique ? I'll say.

Tagalong your underpants? Is that Tagalog for "THE MOST INSANE AND FUCKED UP PRODUCT EVER"? Honestly, I am trying to come up with reasons why they would make this product other than they had a million bolts of hazmat suit fabric that they needed to get rid of.

My tag a-thongs. My sag a-longs. My-tag you're it-a-thon.

Mycarryout a-thongs. Thongs to go. I forgot my underwearathon and I'm on the way to work-along. Tag a GAG a long . Tagalong underpants in your purse for a rainy day a-thongs? You just got in a car accident and you are on the way to the hospital and you don't want to be wearing your regular dirty a-longs ?

First of all, WHY?

In what circumstance would you possibly need these ?

You had a poop in your pants and you can't go home?

Please tell me.

Yoshido models the offical jumpsuit of the coming Revolution Against Capitalism!

For a preview of what the fashionable revolutionista will be wearing at the Fall of Capitalism, please view the following video, paying close attention to "Yoshido's" unitard:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQXDtPswocs

Yes, My Comrades, they will come in designer colors. Please pre-order yours today. Just send $199.99 to:

Revolutionary Fashions, Inc.
Action Jumpsuit/Speedsuit Division
239 La Hacienda Blvd. #309
Los Angeles, CA 91209


Don't forget to include all pertinent sizing. If you need extra crotch room, please include an extra $25.

Don't be the only unfashionable Revolutionary!

Comrade X has had it up to here!

Yes, this says it all -- Comrade X's message to the Oppressors, the Fuckabillies, Jed and his clan of rich dipshits - the ultimate contrived and disingenuous inversion of capitalist values made to seem a joke in order to keep a seething public of utter dissatisfaction and violent revolutionary hatred complacent and DOWNTRODDEN through the depiction of stupid hillbillies as rich bastards (oh yes, let's all laugh! This is what the rich are like! Yes, ha ha! Of COURSE they are! NO! Do not be so easily manipulated! It is a depiction given by the rich for the benefit of the rich to keep you anesthetized and complacent while they SUCK YOU DRY!), these capitalist whoremongers who, incidentally, are doing their VERY BEST to COMPLETELY DESTROY COMRADE X'S LIFE! Well, Oppressifiers, be warned:

COMRADE X IS ON TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, now look -- Comrade X has been waging this war for many, many years, and in all that time of selfless, impoverished, devoted service to the oppressed and downtrodden he has never, ever asked for ANYTHING. But sometimes, sometimes he gets FED UP! The war gets HOT! No more cold war, no more subversive techniques, but REAL ACTION is called for! To wit:

Comrade X received in the mail a letter from his property management company (The Completely Inactive and Uncaring and Ineffectual Parasitic Fascistic Control Corporate Entity That You Pay For to Do Absolutely NOTHING and Which Will NOT Act in Your Interest At All Management Corp., Inc., LLC), telling him to take down the tiny, barely-visible "For Sale" sign from his street-facing bedroom window. Ha! And why? Well, this company, which seems to exist NOT to serve the interests of the actual property owners but some OTHER unknown entity who has a stake in this building of crackerbox and completely overpriced yet ultimately valueless units (as Comrade X is discovering while he tries to sell his), sent a three-sentence letter (the illiterate drones working at this particular capitalist enterprise not being the most verbose people in the world, apparently) saying that they have "received complaints" about my tiny sign.

Okay, now let's think about this. Does anyone, ANYONE, really care if someone sells their condo and puts a little sign in their window? OF COURSE NOT! And the odds of MULTIPLE complaints!? HA! Ludicrous! So Comrade X contacted this den of thieves, these grinning death's-heads of cackling capitalist insanity, this useless piece of detritus to register his own "complaint" with a certain Debbi, the "Portfolio Manager":

Debbi: Hello, this is Debbi.
X: Debbi, this is Comrade X. What the fuck is this letter you sent me?
Debbi: (After a slight pause) Excuse me?
Comrade X: THIS LETTER!
Debbi: Sir, you'll have to be more specific: what letter are you referring to?
Comrade X: This fucking letter! This piece of shit stationary I PAID FOR with my HOA's that says I have to take my "For Sale" sign down!
Debbi: Sir, I'm not sure ...
Comrade X: Look, this is Comrade X, I live in the Fucking Way Too Expensive Condos, and I have a "For Sale" sign in my window, a TINY ONE, and you sent me a letter telling me to take it down. Ring any bells?
Debbi: If you'll just let me check ...
X: If you have to check, then YOU DON'T KNOW, do you?
Debbi: I ...
X: Look, I'm not trying to confuse you, I just want to know WHO COMPLAINED ...
Debbi: I'm checking our files ...
X: FILES?! Fuck that! Are you serious? You should KNOW!
Debbi: But ...
X: WHO COMPLAINED! Was it a resident? Or residents, plural, like you claim?
Debbi: I'm sure I can't ... ...
X: Oh, fuck that! I'm sure you CAN!
Debbi: Sir, I'm not sure ... I'm still checking ...
X: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had so much on your plate -- should I do your job for you and tell you exactly what it was you sent me?
Debbi: I, ummm ...
X: It was a letter telling me to take a "For Sale" sign out of my window! Like I just told you! Why are you making me repeat myself here?
Debbi: Well, you see, we ...
X: WHY?!
Debbi: Sir, your language ...
X: Is impeccably precise. So follow, bitch. Why would ANYONE complain about a "For Sale" sign?
Debbi: Sir, I assure you, it was numerous ...
X: HA! I thought you couldn't find the "file"?!
Debbi: Well, I have it now before me and ...
X: And you're a LYING CAPITALIST PATSY! How stupid do you think I am?!
Debbi: Please, sir, if you persist in ...
X: FUCK YOU! I'm going to come down to your office and kill EVERY SINGLE ONE of you fascist swine and THEN we'll see who gets to keep their sign up in their window ...
Debbi: Please, sir, your language ... I'm not sure I can help you if you're so agitated. Perhaps you'd like to calm down and ...
X: YEAH, DAMN RIGHT I'D LIKE TO CALM DOWN! You know what would facilitate that? YOU being NOT a goddamn LIAR!
Debbi: Sir, I'm not going to take this abuse, and if you persist ..
X: Then what? Huh? HUH?! And quit calling me "Sir." I wasn't recently knighted by the fucking Queen of England, for your information!
Debbi: Yes, I'm sure you weren't -- now look, I'm afraid I'm going to have to hang up and call the police ...
X: About what? About your complete and utter abdication of my FUCKING RIGHTS!? About my OWNERSHIP of this ... and your ... peripheral ... not to mention, in-county cross-borderial incursions on personal ... property of ... arrrgh ... arrrrrr ... rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ....
Debbi: Umm, excuse me? Sir, I assure you ...
X: If you had any intention of assuring me, you wouldn't have written me that LETTER!
Debbi: If you have a complaint ...
X: Aaaargh! YES, I have a complaint! Hello?! Haven't I been EXPLICATING it to you?
Debbi: [silence]
X: And what's the deal with this "Thank you for your anticipated courtesy and cooperation in this matter"? ANTICIPATED? Are you inanely thanking me for something you ASSUME will happen? AND do you assume it because you're CAPITALIST SCUM? Or because you're IDIOTS who think that I will IN THE FUTURE somehow co-operate with your "request"? WHO WRITES THIS SHIT FOR YOU?!
Debbi: [silence]
X: And another thing: DO YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT ME TO FALL FOR YOUR CAPITALIST INTIMIDATION TACTICS?!
Debbi: Sir, look, I'm just doing my job ... I don't even type the ...
X: BECAUSE I WON'T!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!! Don't you know there's a WAR on!?
Debbi: I ...
X: Yeah, that's right, a WAR! A war on capitalism! My comrades and I are ...
Debbi: Sir, this has nothing to do with me. If you could please call my secretary ...
X: AND THEN WHAT? YOU are the focal point! YOU are the cause! YOU, personally, right now!
Debbi: Goddamn, I wish we had phone security in here ...
X: YOU are the ... wait, what's that playing on your iPod? I can totally hear it ...
Debbi: (Pause.) Umm .. it's Coldplay ...
X: Yeah? That's a cool song ... Coldplay, huh?
Debbi: Uhh, I can send it to you, if you like ...
X: MPEG4?
Debbie: Uhhh ..
X: Look, you have my email?
DEBBI: I think so ... is it ... ?
X: Yes, it is. Send it along.
Debbi: Yes, I ... uhh, I can do that ...
X: So ... what do you normally do Friday nights?
Debbi (Confused, and a bit startled): Well, it's pizza night with my co-workers, usually, and ...
X: How would you like to leave that bourgeois shit behind?
Debbi: Bourgeois? I, umm, ...


Yes, I know that my Gentle Readers would like to know what happened on that fateful Friday, but I'm afraid that will have to be a tale told later ...

Suffice it to say, my sign isn't down yet!

Lovingly yours,

Comrade X

I RECALL "Restaurant Cravers Cheeseburgers" flavor Pringles

I’m going to the grocery store in my runaway Toyota Prius.

God, I ALWAYS forget something!

Usually I just go freestyle but tonight I made a list because we are having a party and I am making my famous Uber-Super Nacho's in celebration of Citbank and I "cutting a deal". Yeah, I get to use my entire "Economic Hardship " tax return placating "Markus" who somehow managed to turn my $5,230.00 debt into $12,976 !

Anyway, I just learned that the ingredients I was going to use in the nacho's have ALL been recalled.

Fuck it, I"m making it anyway.

Recipe as Follows

Crumble all of these items together:

1. "Restaurant Cravers Cheeseburger” Flavor Pringles 2. “Family Faves Taco night” Flavor Pringles™ 3. "Danielle" Pepper Salami. 4. Dip and Dip Mix Products byConcord Foods, De la Casa, Delicioso, Follow Your Heart, Fresh Food Concepts, Great Value, Johnny's Fine Foods, McCormick, Oak Lake Farms, Reser's, Rojo's, T. Marzetti 5. Dressing and Dressing Mix Products by Follow Your Heart, Reser's, Trader Joe's 6. Gravy Mix Products by McCormick 7. Pre-Packaged Meal Products by Follow Your Heart 8. Prepared Salad Products by Reser's 9. Snack and Snack Mix Products by CVS, Great Nut Supply,HK Anderson,Hawaiian,National Pretzel Company, President's Choice, Rouses Louisiana's Best, Safeway, Spec's Wines & Fine Foods, Sunflower Markets 9. Soup Mix Products by Castella,Homemade Gourmet

10. Stuffing Products by McCormick

In essence, don't come to my party unless you want to die.
Love, Y

Post script:
Post Post Script:

“Salmonella can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. Healthy persons infected with Salmonella often experience fever, diarrhea (which may be bloody), nausea, vomiting and abdominal pain. In rare circumstances, infection with Salmonella can result in the organism getting into the bloodstream and producing more severe illnesses such as arterial infections (infected aneurysms), endocarditis and arthritis.”