Detroit, MICH. (The Detroit Picayune) -- The results are in, and this year's loser is: Portland, Oregon. The Department of Education and Welfare released its latest annual Quality of Peace of Mind Index Poll results, a nationally-administered test designed to measure the Department of Education and Welfare's relative confidence in the educational, cultural, and economic health of 100 major American metropolitan areas. This year, Portland edged out Detroit for last place, placing Detroit in the unprecedented 99th position, a high this city has not seen in the last 70 years.
Some factors which the DOEW cited as being of primary concern, and which caused Portland to slip into 100th place (from last year's 97th), are the following:
1. 9 out of 10 Portland high schoolers could not locate the United States on a map of the United States. 7 out of 10 did not understand what the name "United States" referred to. 5 out of 10 did not know they lived in Oregon. 3 out of 10 smoked marijuana with poll takers, after which they (both poll takers and students) completely forgot why they were meeting, and so went to a weekend party at Molly Mallory's in the West Hills, who puts out for Seniors if they have access to their parents' BMWs, or so the poll takers were led to believe. In fact, Miss Mallory (Class of 2012) does not put out, as DOEW poll takers learned to their chagrin mere moments before narrowly escaping incarceration as police arrived at the scene to investigate complaints of excessive noise and reckless vomiting.
2. Fully 87% of respondents were reported to be in a state of "advanced inebriation" during poll taking. Pollsters for the DOEW reported numerous instances of respondents inviting pollsters into private residences for the purpose of late-morning or mid-afternoon "snack times," which refers to the local custom of imbibing as much beer as possible on one's lunch break, or, in the case of the nearly 15% of Oregonians who are unemployed and the nearly 55% of Oregonians who are mere slackers, at any time of the day or night, and, preferably, at all times of the day and night. The number of poll takers actually participating in this local custom was not released, but unofficial estimates put the tally at 100%.
3. 10% of Portlanders admitted to owning a pair of toe shoes, the recent fad of hideous-looking footwear designed for no other purpose than to offend decent, fashion-conscious, upstanding citizens. 10% also admitted to owning a pair of Birkenstock sandals, but unofficial reports from participating pollsters puts that number closer to 99%.
4. Homelessness has risen to an alarming 33% of the population. One local resident attributed the cause of this to "all those fucking bums," which admittedly puts the cart before the horse, while another said, rather unhelpfully, that "it's worse than it used to be." DOEW workers investigating the problem report that the number of homeless has risen a drastic 1,327% in the last ten years, with the majority of new homeless describing themselves as "entrepreneurs" who have discovered a new system of requesting alms which involves rotating 8-hour shifts on freeways exits and entrances. One homeless man interviewed by an off-hours DOEW pollster said he was earning an unbelievable $95 per hour, tax-free, by working such a system, and invited said pollster back to his sleeping bag to share a celebratory bottle of Chateau LaTour '87 which he said he had been saving for the day he "broke a hunnerd an hour, dude."
5. The Home Pricing Index in Portland sunk to an incredible .00006785, which means that homes purchased in 2009 are now, in 2010, worth .00006785% of last year's purchase price. Local residents of Portland's condo-heavy Pearl District have reported medical problems due to the labor involved in opening and shutting doors heavily-laden with realtor's lock boxes. One man interviewed was recovering from shoulder surgery resulting from a strong gust of wind slamming shut the back door to his condo building, a door whose handle held 77 lock boxes of various weights and sizes. Doctors estimated that the force of the extra weight was the equivalent of having one's arm torn from the socket by 17 bull elephants at the high point of musth detecting the presence of an ovulating female withing ten yards' distance.
6. The Portland Art Museum, when interviewed, bragged that they had "the country's 87th-largest collection of Thomas Kinkade paintings." Pollsters felt that no further comment was necessary here, and so retired to the nearby Virginia Cafe for Bloody Marys and tater tots.
The DOEW report went on at length, citing 17,342 reasons why Portland ranked last in their poll. This reporter lost interest after the sixth point, preferring instead to retreat to his local watering hole to celebrate his city's ascension to 99th, finally being able to look down on somewhere else as the shittiest place in America.
I saw this at Von's the other day.
