The third brand

1. "Be kind to your behind." This is obviously not marketed to all the people out there who enjoy anal abuse or industrial-strength toilet paper or the "extra durable" sandpaper-textured stuff you (this verbiage implies) get with other brands. And further, it's phrased in the form of a command: the imperative mood is used as a kind of capitalist order, a fascistic demand with a kind of implied ad baculum fallacious reasoning ("Be kind to your behind. Or else! We have ways of making you be kind to your behind!" [This works better if you read it in a Hollywood Nazi accent]), all in an attempt to make the soft-brained proletarian consumer pick up this product without thinking, fearing the bourgeois threat of what will happen if they are, indeed, NOT kind to their behinds by using this toilet paper which offers by way of evidence of its kindness to your behind this description of its intrinsic qualities:

2. "tuggable huggable softness." Okay, first: Why are you tugging on your toilet paper? It shouldn't be a struggle. Is it not perforated? And if it's "tuggable softness," then you shouldn't really have to tug, should you? Is this being marketed to the enfeebled and hopelessly befuddled, those who can't actually figure out how to separate the needed sheets from the roll? And aren't those people the first who get sent to the wall when the bourgeoisie want to reduce excess labor to create further competition among workers so they can drive down wages? Oh, yes, insidious, indeed. And second: "huggable softness"? Listen, if you actually hug your toilet paper, then there's nothing I can do for you. You're lost. And if you hug it AFTER you use it, then I DEFINITELY don't want to hear about it and please please PLEASE stop reading this blog immediately and go straight (do not pass Go, do not collect $200) to your nearest Emergency Mental Health Clinic and see if they can do anything for you, because YOU, my fecally-fixated friend, have a fucking problem!