On a personal note, Comrade X hated Twilight, both the book and the film. And so, in the spirit of petty vengeance and jealousy over multi-million dollar stupid ideas that come from talentless hacks who manage to write absolute SHIT pabulum that the IDIOTIC bourgeois-influenced, ideologically-confused and doctrinally-anemic public SUCKS UP like ten dollar whores at Fleet Week, Comrade X offers this:TWILIGHT SUCKS!!!!!!!!
Okay, now the Count, the Count is cool, because the Count is saying (you know, in the picture) some shit like, "One, two, three, four, five: FIVE knuckles in your face!" (Nota bene: read the foregoing and the following imaginary Count quotes in the voice of the Count, or this really isn't going to work [Nota bene again: if you haven't seen Sesame Street, this isn't going to work at all. AT ALL!]), or maybe, "ONE! One fist to SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACE!" or even: "Edvard, Edvard, leesten to meeee: I AM YOUR MASTER! I am the KING of vampires! Now come here and SUCK MY DEEECK!" Because you know the whole Twilight thing is COMPLETELY gay (and not in a good way [and despite the totally terrible acting of the one hot chick who PRETENDS to be in love with the lead vampire guy -- yeah, right!]). And I'm not saying that because I'm jealous. Or homophobic. Comrade X embraces ALL PEOPLE, of whatever sexual, racial, perceptual, integral, managerial -- no, wait, not managerial -- persuasion, into his Revolution! I'm saying that because I'm poor, and pissed, and ... you know: FUCKING ANGRY that I didn't get the book deal for MY vampire novel!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Okay, listen: here's the plot of MY novel (written LONG BEFORE that Twilight shit): so these really, really good-looking vampires live in the Pacific Northwest because the sun never, ever shines there (so, you know, they don't die and shit in the daytime) and they're kind of clannish and they go to high school (because, you know, they were young when they were turned into vampires, and they for some reason don't mind going to high school, like, a million times in a row) and this one girl falls in love with one of them (because, you know, that never happened before in their bazillion years as high school vampires) and gets integrated into their little vampire household. BUT, and here's the twist, this group of evil vampires comes and plays baseball with them for some reason and then they -- the evil vampires -- eventually (the editor at Harper Collins said, "predictably") use her to threaten the good vampires and in the end there's a fight (in Matrix-style slow-mo bullet-time camera work, SO cool!) and the head evil vampire gets his ass handed to him by being torn to shreds and burned in a giant bonfire (the absolute savagery of the "good" vampires remains unexplained , but that's for, umm, dramatic reasons) and then the girl and the high school vampire guy fall in love and she wants to be turned into a vampire and he does it because he loves her or some shit, whatever. THAT WAS MY PLOT! And so why was MY plot rejected and THAT OTHER plot accepted?
PREJUDICE! That's fucking why! Because I'm PROLETARIAN! It's all because they KNOW that Comrade X is spearheading the Revolution that will bring their hegemonic "cultural" dominance DOWN!
And so:
FUCK HOLLYWOOD! I'm not EVEN going to watch the Oscars this Sunday!
FUCK THEM!
So, in the words of my hero, the Count, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN! Ten fucking stupid sequels!"
Comrade X is going to make another martini.
FUCK HOLLYWOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen, you are absolutely right to be ENRAGED.
ReplyDeleteThe Catch-22 is , If you watch the Oscars, a little bit of your soul dies and then its possible you could become a vampire.
-Y
Comrade X would like to thank Comrade LeF for the visual reference. Keep fighting, Comrade!
ReplyDeleteSorry, you didn't have the multi-trillion dollar machine of the LDS church behind your script. Better luck next time.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous gets 5 stars for the LDS comment. Very nice !
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Comrade X,
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome.
~Le F
What's the LDS church, and how does one contact them? Do they need to be brought down? I'm ready to do it! By taking their money to write scripts about capitalism-fighting vampires who live in the Pacific Northwest.
ReplyDelete-- Comrade X
LDS=Later Day Saints=Mormons=Eeevile; one of the richest oraganizations in the US. They were behinde the whole anti-same sex marriage bs in California. Yes they need to be taken down.
ReplyDeleteand isn't the vampire a metaphore for capitalism? A capitalism fighttinf vampire would be a contradiction. (not that there is anything wrong w/that). ;]
Comrade Le F
i ment to saying "fighting" not "fighttinf"...sorry I am drunk while i write this.
ReplyDeleteComrade Le F
Drunkenness is a bourgeois plot to keep you illiterate and unaware! Stay sober for the fight! Then, when we win, we're gonna get so fuckin' drunk, man, I swear ... the streets will run with vomit. Oh, and blood. Can't have a revolution without streets full of blood. Blood money, that is.
ReplyDelete-- X
Ps. Actually, the vampire is a metaphor, originally, for ANTI-capitalism, as it comes from the "Old World" of barter and medieval, not modern industrial and capitalistic, values. The world Comrade Marx said was the closest we will ever get to unalienated labor.