For two years someone named Markus has been calling me.
Aww, Markus, my boyfriend ,it’s so nice that you care about me that much to wake me up Saturday AND Sunday mornings at 6:00am.
HA!
Markus from Citibank and I will not be going out anytime soon. He is a corpulent bitch who insists on ruining the country. The poor, poor people of the USA.
Anyway ,who would dare pick up their landline in this day and age? Only creditors have your number. Even 78-year-old Moms and Dads don’t remember your landline anymore.
Markus leaves a message:
“This message is intended for Miss. Y .If this is not Miss Y then hang up the phone. If this is Miss Y then listen to this message. If you continue to listen to this message Miss Y ,then you are agreeing that you owe us tons of money and we have the right to come kill you.
Hello? Umm asshole? You are talking to an answering machine. How can I hang up if you are leaving a message ? Well, actually Markus is a machine too so there are two robots talking to each other. Two vampire robots, who fall in love and… Wait, shut up, this is serious.
Remember when we were totally traumatized by “The colors of the rainbow" level orange terrorist attack warnings, and that guy,--whatshisname--Mr. Fucking Blockhead, told us to “GO OUT AND SHOP” (and not just for plastic sheeting and duct tape) but also for like, high heeled boots and cars? I did ! I got a duvet set and some mascara from Barneys and a giant whole wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano .
I racked up 5,000 in my post 9-11 grief /terror. It’s totally their fault.
SO , FUCK THEM.
I’M NEVER PAYING THEM JACK SHIT.
Is there debtor's jail ? Because I will gladly go. Markus can die a virgin.
HA! while there is much i could say about Markus and his ilk - we all have a Markus-machine who calls our landlines at before sunrise hours and leaves messages, usually cut into midway so that you have already missed which capitalist phenom he/it is calling on behalf of...but what i really wanted to comment on, having just come from another series of airports, is that the 'threat' level is STILL at orange and has been consistently since 9/21/01 (or thereabouts).
ReplyDeleteThis color has never, nor will ever mean anything related to threat. The warning of this colorthreatlevel is a ridiculous recording that has been playing in airports across America to deaf ears for nearly a decade now. Are these color threat's even a spectrum? Will we ever be at threat level green? or blue? or magenta? or ultra-violet? no. so shut the fuck up already.
I know, It's stuck on orange semi-permanently .
ReplyDeleteOrange is the color of jumpsuits in jail.
If it goes up to red it means "Please go out and buy lipstick, some fun shit is going down"
-y
In my house, Red just means we've run out of coffee.We all run around screaming.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see a Robin's egg blue one day.
ReplyDeleteThat would be sweet.
-s
You notice there's no threat level pink? That would mean they've finally decided to round up all the gays (again) and persecute them (again). But you know it's coming ...
ReplyDeleteOh my god, Citibank controls the threat level. Right now it's fucking blood red.
ReplyDeleteyea there might not be a jail, but hahha good luck in your future trying to get a house or even a car with no credit cause you decided to ignore paying back 5000 hahahaha.
ReplyDeleteYo, Markus,
ReplyDeleteGet off my blog !
Dear Naysayer or Markus, whomever you may be,
ReplyDeleteThere are ways to live without buying a new car or a house.
(It's called camping, or in our case-glamping)
xoxo-X & Y