Does this come in snuggly ?

I WISH this was the reason my marriage failed. It seems so normal.

Your husband farts. He leaves. Awesome.

Instead I got a pathologically cheap musician who was fucking a Jesus loving game show host, and who STILL wouldn't leave !

Wheres the blanket for that , Huh ? HUH ? The Shroud of Turin ? Anthrax flavored Snugly ? Small poxy-o's flavored blanket? Pigs in a blanket? Michael Jackson's Son ?

I'll take losers for 500$, Alex.

I did try to fart my husband into leaving me, but it was so powerful the military was alerted and special op's intervened. This is actually how Better Marriage Blanket(BMB) was invented. He wrapped it around his head and plugged on NEVER taking it off ! He was an oddly determined fellow.

Chitty Chitty Bank Bank

For two years someone named Markus has been calling me.

Aww, Markus, my boyfriend ,it’s so nice that you care about me that much to wake me up Saturday AND Sunday mornings at 6:00am.

HA!

Markus from Citibank and I will not be going out anytime soon. He is a corpulent bitch who insists on ruining the country. The poor, poor people of the USA.

Anyway ,who would dare pick up their landline in this day and age? Only creditors have your number. Even 78-year-old Moms and Dads don’t remember your landline anymore.

Markus leaves a message:

“This message is intended for Miss. Y .If this is not Miss Y then hang up the phone. If this is Miss Y then listen to this message. If you continue to listen to this message Miss Y ,then you are agreeing that you owe us tons of money and we have the right to come kill you.

Hello? Umm asshole? You are talking to an answering machine. How can I hang up if you are leaving a message ? Well, actually Markus is a machine too so there are two robots talking to each other. Two vampire robots, who fall in love and… Wait, shut up, this is serious.

Remember when we were totally traumatized by “The colors of the rainbow" level orange terrorist attack warnings, and that guy,--whatshisname--Mr. Fucking Blockhead, told us to “GO OUT AND SHOP” (and not just for plastic sheeting and duct tape) but also for like, high heeled boots and cars? I did ! I got a duvet set and some mascara from Barneys and a giant whole wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano .

I racked up 5,000 in my post 9-11 grief /terror. It’s totally their fault.

SO , FUCK THEM.

I’M NEVER PAYING THEM JACK SHIT.

Is there debtor's jail ? Because I will gladly go. Markus can die a virgin.