Comrade X Demystifies Online Dating

Comrade X is baffled by all the people out there who constantly complain that they "don't understand this online dating thing." Like it's rocket science! How can anyone NOT understand how the online dating thing works? You shop for people you like the look of, you send them an email, you make a plan, badda bing badda boom, you go out with someone you don't like and that's that. What's so confusing? Well, luckily for you, Comrade X is here to allay your confusion and to tell you exactly how to read these internet dating sites.

Okay, this is just a basic course, so we'll only cover the basics. More detailed information might be forthcoming depending on reader demand. Anyway: every online site breaks down into three basic categories for which you have to provide information. Oh, and just so there's no confusion as to why Comrade X is writing about this, this topic has to do with capitalism for the following reasons: on these sites we turn ourselves into products and compete for shelf space with other products of essentially the same type, hoping to attract consumers with our flashier advertising. We define ourselves by giving ourselves a set value, a worth, and offer "deals" to attract buyers. And since we turn ourselves into products, all these sites can thus be understood in the language of the bourgeoisie and their agents, the marketing people. So, the three basic areas of information you need to pay attention to are these:

1. "Details": This is the area in which you include the "ingredients" of your product, i.e., you.

2. "About Me": This is the advertising language being used to sell the product (you).

3. "What I'm Looking For/Why You Should Write Me": These are essentially customer reviews which you fabricate in order to get someone interested in your product (you) on the grounds that OTHER people (you) have been interested in this product (you).

Okay, now you know what these categories are for. You are ready to fill out your profile. BUT: you should also know the types of people on these sites, and what THEY are REALLY looking for.

Women (three types):

1. I'm under 30 and a child and looking to stroke my ego by having guys write me while never feeling the need to actually return any emails.

2. I'm over 30 and divorced and trying to get back at my ex-husband/ex-boyfriend and need to turn YOU into him so I can abuse him through you.

3. I'm any age and am completely unwilling or unable to take care of myself and so need you to do it for me.

Now, the strategies they use to lure you (three types, which can be used by any of the three listed types above):

1. Aggressive: their profile consists of lists of things they DON'T like in men.

2. Self-sufficient: their profile consists of all the ways they are happy without men/a relationship, and intimate that they don't really need men/a relationship to be happy, anyway (which stance of course their presence on the site belies).

3. A detailed list of ALL the things they are looking for, down to the last detail (in which case they should really just write a novel starring themselves and their fictional man, and substitute that for a relationship, because they will NEVER find anyone to fit their unrealistic and too-exclusive description, since people are people and you can't look for a checklist but have to evaluate what you find).

What they want (corresponding to the three types):

1. No one.

2. A disposable doormat.

3. Money.

What to expect in terms of appearance of the corresponding three types on first date:

1. Hypergroomed.

2. Overgroomed.

3. Pathetically groomed.

What to expect from them (corresponding to the three types):

1. No response, or an insulting one.

2. One date and a "Let's be friends" email which is followed up by silence and avoidance.

3. Sex. Once. Then they move in with you.



Men (three types):

1. I'm a misogynist and I don't care.

2. I'm a misogynist pretending to be a sensitive guy .

3. I'm just horny.

Strategies (corresponding to the three types):

1. My profile describes why I'm great and actually too good for any one woman.

2. My profile tells you all the things I think you want to hear.

3. My profile tells you why I'm so great AND tells you things I think you want to hear, but in a much more boorish manner than the first two types (nota bene: these profiles often feature long-shot pictures of the writer posing in front of his Camaro).

What they want (corresponding to the three types):

1. Someone 20-30 years younger than they are.

2. Someone 10-20 years younger than they are.

3. Anyone at all (as long as they put out).

What to expect in terms of appearance of the three types on first date:

1. Hypergroomed.

2. Clean socks with Birkenstocks.

3. Fuggedaboudit!


What to expect from them (corresponding to the three types):

1. The Thousand-Yard Stare (they're always looking at other women while with you).

2. Deep meaningful gazing into your eyes while not listening to what you're saying.

3. Sends emails saying things like, "So, you wanna hook up?"


Bumperstickers or other adornments you will surely see on their cars (corresponding to the three types):

1. McCain/Palin '08

2. "Even fat girls need love." (Put there to prove sensitivity.)

3. Playboy silhouette mud flaps on their truck.



This should provide you with the basics of what to expect in the online dating environment. Do not fool yourself, however: capitalism has ruined dating just as it has ruined everything else. People suck and they do not seem to be afraid to prove that at every opportunity -- in fact, they seem to be happy to do so!