The Bum Olympics

Now, do not let it be said that Comrade X is pitiless when it comes to the plight of the homeless. He realizes that something -- and something drastic --must be done to alleviate this problem, as it grows worse by the minute. The bums are NOT getting any nicer, and their ranks grow daily, almost to the point where they threaten the Revolution! Bums are not joiners, and are not politically or ideologically committed, and are most certainly not proletarian. So, with this in mind, Comrade X (along with the assistance of Comrade A) has come up with a solution that can serve the interests of all: The Bum Olympics.

Now, this event, patterned after the real Olympics, will consist of the following stages:

1. Opening Ceremonies: bums will line up across town (in whichever town decides to hold this annual event) and pass a hand-rolled cigarette one to another until it enters the arena, where the last bum in line will throw it in an oil drum filled with combustible materials, creating the Bum Olympics version of the eternal flame.


2. The Games: bums will compete in the following events. Events will be open to any bum able to stagger into the arena location where the games are being held. They will consist of:

a.) Filthiest Bum: contestants will enter the staging area where a calibrating device will be inserted into the patina of grime covering their bodies, and the body with the thickest build-up of dirt will win. In beta testing, Steamboat Joe was covered in an astonishing 6 inches of soot, dirt, and assorted uncategorizable grime.

b.) The Four-Lane Dash: contestants will run across a four-lane busy thoroughfare to the the McDonald's on the other side, beg for a bag of fries, and upon receiving said bag will dash back across traffic and lie supine on a bus shelter bench. Contestants must be completely passed out on said bench in order for their effort to be counted.

c.) Most Incomprehensible Jibber-Jabber: the contestant able to produce the longest stream of utterly incomprehensible noise will win this event.

d.) Most Consecutive Non-Sequiturs: contestants in this event will be judged based on their ability to utter the longest stream on complete non-sequiturs. Example: "You can't play in the Kool-Aid if you don't know the colors! They're comin', and we ain't got no bananas!" Etc.

e.) Foulest Obscenity: a kind of sprinting version of the more long-distance Most Consecutive Non-Sequiturs. Contests will be judged on the succinctness and offensiveness of their epithets.

f.) Drunkest Bum: contestants will merely enter the staging area to have their blood alcohol levels measured. Each year will bring a new batch of contenders as the previous year's winners are not expected to outlive this particular event. In beta testing, the winner of this event was found to have a blood alcohol level of 12.7, and actually died while blowing into the tube.

g.) Most Offensive Personal Habit: contestants in this event will be judged on the heinousness of the behavior, including its social inappropriateness and physical repulsiveness.

h.) Most Bags Contained in One Bag: contestants will be allowed one standard-sized plastic shopping bag, into which they can stuff as many other plastic shopping bags as possible. The winner will have the most bags, obviously.

i.) Most Time Spent at a Bottle and Can Return: in this event, contestants will be given a shopping cart full of deposit-value bottles and cans, and the object is to spend as long as possible feeding them into the recycling machine and inconveniencing the most amount of people by doing so. In beta testing, Underpass Jim was able to spend an astonishing 17 hours completing this task, taking time to scream at passing cars and nap frequently between cans.

j.) Largest Backpack: This event is something of a triathlon: contestants will be judged not only on the size and weight and volume of their backpacks, but will also be required to run three city blocks with them, take them off, unload them to find an object at the bottom of their packs, reload the packs, and run three blocks back to the starting line. They will then be asked to account for the importance of the found object in their lives, and judged accordingly.

k.) Most Convincing Cardboard Sign: contestants will be judged according to how convincing the excuse for money written on their cardboard signs is. All contestants will receive standard-sized cardboard pieces. Points will be awarded for uniqueness. Creative spelling and grammatical errors will also be taken into account in the scoring.

l.) Most Unique Way to Stop Traffic: this event requires contestants to wander into traffic on a busy street and stop it in any way they deem most effective and creative. The amount of time traffic is stopped will be taken into account, as will the agitation levels of the drivers.

m.) Best Song-and-Dance Routine: contestants will be given a city block on which to perform their particular brand of music. Any object may be used as an instrument. Lyrics need not be comprehensible.

n.) Most Comfortable Nest: contestants are given one hour to set up their sleeping area for the night, and judges will take into account the amount of debris scavenged to create the most comfortable bedding.

o.) Most Aggressive Harassment: contestants are judged on their ability to harass passersby in the most offensive and unusual manner possible without getting arrested. Bonus points are awarded for attracting and harassing police officers (without, of course, getting arrested).

p.) Most Full Pee Jar: contestants will enter the staging area and be placed before a glass mason jar, which they will be given as much time as they need to fill. The contents will be measured and the fullest jar will win.

q.) Largest Oil Drum Fire: in this, the only team event in the Bum Olympics, participants will work in pairs to create the largest (in height) AND longest-burning oil drum fire. Teams will be provided with a large empty oil drum (similar to the one holding the Eternal Flame), and must scrounge their own combustible materials.


3. The Awards: first place in any event: a gold-plated shopping cart; second place: a bagful of McDonald's French Fries (super-sized); third place: a plastic bag full of other plastic bags.


4. Closing Ceremonies: contestants will march once around the staging area and exit out a back door into an alley, where they can begin training for next year's Bum Olympics.


Comrade X hopes this idea will work to solve the ever-increasing problem of homelessness. Social consciousness will also be raised by permissible gambling on the various events. All proceeds go to the non-profit Begin the Revolution Fund, administered by Comrades X and Y. Applications for judges are now being taken. Please send your qualifications to:

Bum Olympics
123 Skid Row
Crackton, CA 97011

Descriptions of the various contests, for those who miss them, will be forthcoming.