Two great tastes that taste great together!

Okay, one of these was found in a grocery store (photo contributed by the ever-loyal Comrade E) and one of these was found abandoned at a bus stop (photo by the ever-curious Comrade X) in a less-than-desirable part of town. Can you guess which is which? Ha! Wrong! the Baconnaise was found in a grocery store. Okay, not to belabor the obvious, but:

1. Why is bacon NOT one of the ingredients? Suspicious!

2. Why is this the ULTIMATE bacon-flavored (and where do they get the flavor from if not bacon? I shudder to think) spread? Like there are COMPETING brands? How many kinds of spreadable meat-n'-lard-flavored-gel do we need?

3. Where exactly do you spread this? On toast? On pork chops? Is it some kind of sexual aid in the South? Or what?

4. I question the veracity of the tag line "Everything should taste like bacon." I mean, what about variety? And shouldn't things taste like they actually taste? If you want the taste of bacon, why not just, oh I don't know, EAT BACON? Why make OTHER things taste like bacon? Call me crazy, but ice cream should not taste like bacon. A tangerine should not taste like bacon. Peanut butter should not taste like bacon. Your underwear should not taste like bacon. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/etc. should not taste like bacon. Bacon should taste like bacon. Which of course begs the question: do you spread this on bacon, too, to make it taste MORE like bacon?

5. It's not mayonnaise, either, so what exactly IS this horrid hybrid?

Now, on to the other picture:

WHO LEAVES A FUCKING FISH IN A PLASTIC BAG AT A BUS STOP!? And would it be okay to eat if I spread Baconnaise on it? It seemed to be half-cooked, too. Where do you get a half-cooked fish with the head and tail intact, but not cooked? So it was half-cooked in that it wasn't fully cooked but also in that only half of it was cooked. Because, amazingly, it didn't smell. Weird!

I don't get this world. AT. ALL. Comrade X is, again, disgusted and confused.