Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How to Submit to The New Yorker.



Comrade X was recently asked by a fellow Comrade to submit one of his posts to the "Shouts and Murmurs" section of the The New Yorker. Not surprisingly, it was rejected, as that bourgey rag doesn't appreciate revolutionary humor IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. However, they did send me the rules for submission to that section of the magazine:

How to Submit to Shouts and Murmurs

Please submit humorous articles if:

1. You are Steve Martin or a friend of Steve Martin (and have a Certificate of Authenticity to prove so) or know someone who knows Steve Martin or have a letter of introduction from Steve Martin.

2. You are David Sedaris or a friend of David Sedaris or have a letter of introduction from David Sedaris or can write self-indulgent inoffensive slightly humorous putatively autobiographical pabulum about your life of privilege and the things you have done or would like to have done in it.

3. You can reference current affairs that will not offend anyone and are not connected to any controversy of any note among groups of people who do not read our magazine and can put these references in contexts derivative of David Sedaris or Steve Martin.

4. You write things which will slightly amuse but not inflame the deadened passions and affected insouciance of our geographically and socioeconomically targeted readership.

5. You mention rich people no one but us has ever heard of and put them in popular culture contexts. Bonus points for writing yet another article that uses Twitter as a format.

Please DO NOT submit if:

1. You are someone we have never heard of.

2. You are poor.

3. You do not envy us our positions.

4. You are actually funny.

5. You are relevant.

Criteria for accepting submissions:

1. You make us smirk so hard our monocles fall off.

2. You make us feel condescendingly superior to everyone else in the world.

3. You get us laid by the secretaries by providing us with something that makes THEM smirk so hard they fall off their Ferragamos.

4. You include a very substantial check with your submission.

5. You inflate our egos to the bursting point.

Failure to follow these steps will result in a very quickly-submitted and highly condescending email rejection that is designed to make you want to never submit again. Good luck!


9 comments:

  1. How dare you slanderize shouts and murmurs!
    What are you ? Commie.
    y

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never read that section. It is annoying. You are better than Shouts and Murmurs. And because of this, I will never read it again. Really.

    -E

    ReplyDelete
  3. i lived in nyc for 15 years and was never a subscriber to The New Yorker, making me a highly unusual member of the wanna-be boo-zwa-zee's/faux regular joe's who do have subscriptions to The New Yorker (and are constantly carrying a rolled up copy under their arm on the subway), which is meant to be an exclusive journal anyway. excluding everyone who doesn't live in nyc and spend a good deal of their time having their finger up the ass of the very latest pulse so they can 'qualify' as someone who lives in nyc and throw all those bragging rights around...etc.


    but i did meet Amy Sedaris at a friends wedding shower once so could maybe track her down and get her brother to write you a letter of recommendation. ya know, call in a nyc favor.

    but anyway, fuck 'em. you called 'em like they are. make your own damned magazine.

    ReplyDelete
  4. BTW HA HA --Hating "The New Yorker" is the most Bourgeois thing you can do! So you've all been outed! This clearly demonstrates I am the only real revolutionary here. You're all a bunch of sheep like on the cover of the new issue. Oh wait, those are bushes.I still love you though!

    --Y

    P.S. Make your own damn magazine " ?
    Oh we will.Mark our words. It will be called "Violent hateful Rants and pathetic ineffective mumblings", or how about " Fuck everything" Magazine. Or "ooooh,Look at me,I'm smart and unprofitable"magazine.

    ReplyDelete
  5. great article. Been there, done that, feel the pain, comrade.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for enlightening me and being talented enough to make me laugh and cry at the same time...now I can follow thru with my plan to slit my wrists...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sour grapes. So, one of the reasons you listed for getting rejected was actually being funny. That couldn't have been the reason New Yorker rejected your piece.

    ReplyDelete
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