Comrade X's Taxomony of Women (Continued)

Comrade X has received a few requests to expand his taxonomy to include the kinds of women one can expect to find in the online dating miasma (Nota bene: NONE of these subcategories corresponds IN ANY WAY to anyone Comrade X now knows in his life -- they all come from his own past experience). Well, I have already sketched out the three main character types of female online daters, but I will here provide a few more detailed subcategories:

1. The Iron Maiden

What she says: "I am self-sufficient and happy in my life, my job, and with my friends and family. I am always busy, and rarely have any time to myself! My spare time is spent with various social groups or working (I have a great job that I LOVE!) or volunteering. Still, I wouldn't mind finding that special someone to share the adventure that is my life. I am easy-going but critical, and don't have a problem voicing my opinions (though I am a good listener, too). I'm not afraid of a good debate, but don't like to argue. Life is too short to waste it arguing! Love to cook and spend quality time at home, though I could just as easily be found out dancing, having fun with friends, or eating good food."

What she means: "I never go out and you won't, either, if you're with me. I don't like arguing, i.e., I don't like it when YOU argue with ME, so if you know your proper place, we'll get along fine. I hate my job and my life and you and I don't have any friends so your purpose is to accompany me to social outings that work forces me to go to and act like we're a happy couple. I need to show Shelly and Tammy and Jana in Sales who has the better boyfriend (and that prick Dave upstairs who drives the Beamer and who didn't respond to my advances back in 2004 at the Christmas party! Well, HIS LOSS!), and who has the better relationship -- ME! Those bitches always try to set me up with men, like they pity me, well, FUCK THEM! I want my revenge on the world, and on them, and you are my instrument. I WILL destroy you if you attempt to disagree or to break up with me or to have sex with me. Your job is to take me out to dinner and buy me presents on the appropriate occasions and get my mother off my back by showing her that I've found 'a good man' -- ha! You're a spineless jellyfish, and don't even THINK about growing a pair now, because you're fucked and that's that. Your life is over. Now sit the fuck down on the couch and watch Home Shopping Network with me. Oh, and I HATE the outdoors! And stop spending so much time with your friends. I'm all you should need."

Warning: you will find yourself in a relationship faster than you can say "Dude, where's my dick?" And strong men are not safe, either, as The Iron Maiden is not above the challenge of trying to break one. And there isn't one she hasn't yet broken (except Dave), so watch out. She can be recognized by the waxy appearance of her make-up, like it was put on by Vincent Price, and her French tips and her clothing that seems to exceed her income level.

What she wants: your balls in the garbage disposal. And revenge.


2. The Mother(can't)fucker

What she says: "I am perfectly happy raising my lovely kids (whom I can't live without!) and don't need any drama in my life. I like to go out dancing, or even stay home cuddling on the couch in front of the TV, making dinner or eating out, or even going for a hike or maybe just taking in the latest exhibit at the museum!"

What she means: "I don't know what the fuck I want because my WHOLE LIFE revolves around my snot-nosed brats and their fucking extracurricular activities. What I need is some guy to move in and show my ex that his fucking kids, whom he DOESN'T SUPPORT LIKE HE SHOULD -- he's eight months behind on his child support! -- have a REAL MAN now in their lives, and you'll be there when that fucking bastard shows up to get them on weekends (when he remembers!) and to show him that I've MOVED ON and I COULD CARE LESS about him and his adolescent bullshit like how he sat around all day playing video games and his stupid delusions of grandeur of being some asshole guitar hero and HE CAN'T EVEN PLAY the fucking thing and the only reason I married him in the first place is because he knocked me up and the second one was a mistake too -- in hindsight -- but what the fuck did I know? He played head games with me and totally RUINED MY LIFE and now he needs to pay in every way possible (he made me hate all men for all time, or rather, he reminded me that I ALREADY HATED all men for all time), and YOU will be there to make sure he does! AND I can't even think straight because of all this and I hate men and I hate you and you're not here to be a FATHER to these kids because they don't need a father, they need ME, and you're just here to back me up and watch them when I go out BECAUSE I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THEIR FUCKING WHINING SOMETIMES and give me some FUCKING SUPPORT and don't try to be a father to them because they already have one and who the fuck are you to think you're ANYTHING to them, huh? HUH?! Well, HUH!!??"

Warning: she's angry. Really, really, angry.

What she wants: nothing from you (especially sex). So don't offer.


3. The Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

What she says: "Looking for a partner in crime to share the wild side of my personality. Must be adventurous, kind, sharing, open, a little wild, a little kinky, crazy, able to turn on a dime. If you think you're ready for me, and can handle me, go on and give me a shout."

What she means: "I don't get out much and I'm hoping that someone will tell me what the hell it is I meant by all that stuff I wrote in my profile (well, I actually took it from another profile), but that's it: just TELL me, don't actually try to DO anything or I'll freak out and tell you I don't like it and cry for, like, twenty minutes and then tell you a really weird and vague story about my daddy. Then I won't stop calling you ever, and you'll be forced to be my boyfriend and protect me from the world or I swear I'll kill myself, I will, I WILL!"

Warning: well, this one's obvious, right?

What she wants: therapy.


Comrade X hopes he was able to partially fulfill the expectations of his loyal readers. But never fear: if you feel you need more information about the online world and its various hazards and pitfalls, there is certainly more to come.