Today's Sermon: Sex. VI. ix.

Yea, my bretheren and sisteren, today I want to speak to you of that MOST EEEEEEEEVIL of vices, that most UNHOLY and FOUL of HUMAN URGES, that which must be RESISTED like SATAN HIMSELF, yea, my bretheren and sisteren, I speak to you of The Beast with Two Backs, the Creature With Three Mouths, the Curse That Keeps on Cursing, yea, in a word, I speak to you this day of SEX-U-AL CON-GRESS!

O RESIST IT, my bretheren and sisteren! Resist it, I say! For it is in the CLUTCH of FOUL DESIRES and under the DEVILISH SWAY of FILTHY LUSTS that we err and wander from the path of TRUE RIGHTEOUSNESS, that we lose our way and endanger our IMMORTAL SOULS, that CLEANLINESS and MORAL PROBITY are ABANDONED and LOST FOREVER, Amen! Amen, bretheren and sisteren! As it sayeth in the Holy Book of Jamesbrown, "O, Lawdy, can I get a witness?" (Sex. Mach. 22.7). Say it with me, say it loud enough to scare away THE DEVIL himself, say NO to this most horrible of human activities, this most stenchful of vices, this cesspool of degradation and lubrificatory slipperiness! O heed not its call! O touch not its enticements! For, as it is written, "Let those who fall prey to the foul desires of HUMAN LUST, let them forever swelter in the heat of their enseamed sheets, forever to writhe in intertwined gruntings, honeyed and stewed in their own unseemly juices, under the WATCHFUL and VENGEFUL eye of the Lord himself, forever to their everlasting shame" (Neo. Ham. IV. iv. 205-6), Amen!

And let me say unto thee, my bretheren: knoweth not of woman, toucheth not of her meretricious temptations, keep thy hands and feet away from the windows of her heated parts, and listen not to her honeyed words, lest ye be like the pawnbroker who fell from grace with God: "And on that day he did accepteth of the merchandise, did giveth of the ticket, and his interlocutor did depart. And he did go into the city and lodge in a house of ill-repute. And when the Lord did finally look on him and say, 'How much for that TV?', he spaketh not, for the Lord had asked for what he could not give, for his merchandise had been lost, as he had traded it away in licentious fervor" (Wha. Fu. 777.7). LO! Heed this warning! BEWARE the tender flesh of the SHE-HARLOT who tempteth thee with her UNHOLY and FOUL wares! For, it is most wisely written, "He who doth toucheth of the wares of the harlot, let his member shrivelleth and blacken like the rotted walnut, and let his manhood droppeth to the ground even as the dead bird, unheedful of the ceasing of his being, doth droppeth from the sky, never to be reborn" (Dum. Guid. to. Sex. 144).

And let me say unto thee, my sisteren: knoweth not of man, toucheth not of his unholy member, resist his foul lusts and dogged pursuits, falleth not for his flashy cars, his money-wad, his tight and Godless pants, and let not his pimp hand toucheth thee in order that it may be strong, but let it weaken in its inactivity and let it seek its own pleasures, for then, as it is written, "His hand will surely wither like the fruit on the vine in the sultry heat of midday, and his progeny dry in his sac like the Red Sea as Moses did part it in his wrath, and lo, like an Egyptian, he shall bake in the heat of his own lust till crocodiles doth feast on his hardness and gnaweth his balls" (Playb. Mar. 1969). Yea, my sisteren! Be not like the harlot of old, who, as it sayeth in the Book of Lohan, "When she did tire of feeding her lusts on parasites and Pharisees, did insert THE DEVIL himself into her womanhood, finding no other thing to satisfy her unquenchable lust, and from that day it did burn like the PITS OF FIERY HELL, until she dischargeth of the very URINE OF THE DEVIL from her most tender bits, which did harden like shellac on them and make them unpassable like the road to Gomorrah after the HOLY and RIGHTEOUS fires of God did turn it to glass" (Hollyw. Slut. 17.1).

And so, my bretheren and sisteren, I say unto thee: SEXETH NOT thyselves, or each unto another, but lead lives of CHASTE and HOLY RIGHTEOUSNESS, and thou shalt not be cast into the VERY FLESHPOTS OF SATAN along with other FOUL ADULTERERS and LICENTIOUS MEN with pencil-thin mustaches and bathrobes of silk, carrying unguents and oils that do SEAR the flesh and DESSICATE the soul, forever and ever, AMEN.