Today's Sermon: Char. 6. i.

Yea, My Bretheren and Sisteren, today's sermon concerns AN EVIL exposed by our beloved Comrade Y, an evil SO HEINOUS, SO VILE, that it threatens to destroy yea the very MORAL FIBER of this, our beloved United States of Bourgeois Oppression! Let me remind you now of those most foul, most repugnant words first brought to THE HOLY LIGHT OF VENGEFUL JUSTICE by said Comrade:

"We all go to the bathroom. Every day. In the morning. After morning coffee. Especially after morning coffee. Talk about getting things going! At work. After dinner. Whew, that curry was hot! Bottom line, we spend a lot of time going. It's one of life's essentials. Charmin® wants to help turn this simple need into a more enjoyable routine. The relief. The calm. The clean. The comfort. After all, there's nothing healthy about holding things in.

Fact is, we all go. Those who go with Charmin really enjoy the go."

O LORD ABOVE, preserve us from the EEEEEVIL that men do! These words, my bretheren and sisteren, must be parsed, for the sake of our IMMORTAL SOULS: for, as it is written in the Book of the Lord, "Let he who hath the urge deliver his goods; yet let the wicked man moveth not, and sitteth in contemplation of his unrighteous blockage" (Toil. 36.4). For yea, this world doth tempt us, doth tempt us daily with its PURPOSEFUL attempts to turn the FOUL EXCRESCENCE, the unholy PRODUCT OF OUR SINFUL NATURES, into humor, into copy, into PROFIT! For yea, my Comrades, let it be known that this will not be tolerated, as it says in the Book of Mao, "The world is yours as well as ours, but in the last analysis, it is yours" (Quot. Ch. Mao p. 543). And so, let us TAKE that world and reshape it in our image, and DO AWAY WITH the UNHOLY and WHOLLY GROTESQUE use of UNSPEAKABLE BODILY FUNCTIONS as entertainment!

Consider, my Comrades, what it says in the Book of Jobs: "He who downloadeth the 'find a clean public bathroom app,' let his property be destroyed and his fields burned and the burned fields sown with salt and his iPad crushed without mercy, for it is better to utterly destroyeth one MORON than to let two IDIOTS take his place" (Jobs 334.vii.a-b). YEA MY COMRADES, this be truth! And let it also be noted of the above text, that THE FLAMING RING OF FIRE that results from food of UNUTTERABLE HOTNESS burneth the fundament like the very FLAMES OF HELL, and let those who eatheth of such food suffer, and do not be moved by pity for them, as this UNHOLY ADVERTISEMENT would have you do. For it is written in the parable of the lonely sailor, "Yea, I did stop a bunghole with my finger and the ship sanketh not; yet was I still laid low by the explosion of my own unholy desire to tasteth of the spiced flesh of heathen countries" (Sail. Ass. 26.vi.). And let us take the FOUR MALEFICENT PROMISES of the EEEEVIL Charmin to task:

1. The relief. Nay, for it is written, "Let there be no relief for he who boasteth of his own execratory pleasures, for he will surely rotteth in the very DEPTHS OF HELL."

2. The calm. Nay again, for it is written in right about the same place, "There shall be no calm for those in distress, for their distress is the voucher of turpitude, for they have violated MY COMMANDS by rousting their fellows for a jolly good time in the public stalls."

3. The clean. Nay, for cleanliness is next to godliness, and NOWHERE is it written that he who wipeth with the foul PAPER PULP OF SATAN shall not be in noways clean, for ever and never, Amen.

4. The comfort. Again NAY, for he who chooseth the Charmin over the Cottonelle shall suffer the HEMORRHOIDS OF THE DAMNED, for it is written in text bold and plain, "Nay, for he who chooseth the Charmin over the Cottonelle shall suffer the HEMORRHOIDS OF THE DAMNED" (Blog. 6.20).

And so we plainly see, O My Bretheren and Sisteren, that this most foul and ungodly apparition is truly the work of THE DEVIL HIMSELF, and designed to lead thee STRAIGHT TO HELL if thou engageth in the distempered and diseased PLEASURES OF THE ASS holding in thy hand the two-ply LIES OF SATAN while enjoying the FALSE RELIEF, CALM, CLEAN, AND COMFORT that comprises this most bourgeois distraction from the real job of revolutionary change, for, my friends, if we are truly engaged in the deceitful pleasures of the toilet, how will we ever find time to rise up against the VERY SAME OPPRESSIVE MACHINATIONS that have stranded us, lost like the traveler in the parable who "heldeth in his hand but three cubits of paper, not enough to cleanse himself but too much to wasteth, in the vast salt plain of Gomorrah after its fall, unavailing himself of the 'clean restroom' app, and toiling in vain to removeth the cling-ons of UNHOLY STICKINESS, the very rudiments of Satan's HOLD ON MANKIND" (Shit. 6.6.vi).

YEA, MY BRETHEREN AND SISTEREN! Useth not the Charmin! Resisteth the temptation to sin! Care not about discussing in public the effects of caffeine on the gastrointestinal tract! For indeed, we all go, yet some go to the Fields of the Lord, while others strain fruitlessly on the very Toilet of Satan.

Which shall YOU be, O My Comrades?