Today's Sermon: Sex. VI. ix. (b)

O, my bretheren and sisteren, LO! we see the HIDEOUS and MOST ABHORRENT images of SEXUAL CONGRESS in even the most LOWLY and HUMBLE of man's productions! Witness here, a simple energy drink, nothing more than water with certain unrecognizable CHEMICAL COMPOUNDS, utterly inefficacious and certainly unrecognizable, designed to give to the SINFUL body a feeling the Good Lord did not intend it to have, STIMULATED and TITILLATED beyond what is MOST RIGHTEOUSLY MODEST, and wrapped here in the FALSE and HEATHENISH packaging of SEXUAL S(T)IMULATION! Lo, my bretheren and sisteren, BEWARE such products! Buyeth not of the products shaped for EASY INSERTION into the HOLY PORTALS OF THE LORD into which no thing, no matter of what material, should be inserted, for indeed as we readeth in the Great Book, "Let he who sticketh the falsely-shaped delectation of UNNATURAL materials into his MOST PRIVATE AREAS be cast down into the dirt and trampled, yea, even unto the millionth part of his atomic structure, until he is one with the dirt from whence he sprang, and let him be UTTERLY HOPELESS of redemption" (Homophob. 1. 2.)!

YEA, I say unto thee, my bretheren and sisteren, STICKETH NOT the bottles of the IRREVOCABLY DAMNED into thy soft places, for thou shalt know a communion with the Devil that, though it beeth pleasurable in the short run, shalt take thee far from the Lord, yea, verily, straight unto ETERNAL DAMNATION, and thou shalt know no BLISSFUL CONGRESS with the HOLY FIELDS OF THE LORD for which thou shouldst yearneth! There is no "passion in every bottle," and it be BLASPHEMOUS to take the Lord's child's own Passion in vain, for he did suffer for our sins, as it is written, "And yea verily they didst offer Him lightly carbonated beverages, which He partooketh of not, and they didst stabbeth Him in the ribs, screaming, 'Mene, Mene, Tekel Upharsi' as they didst jibber and jabber at His suffering, awaiting Him to 'get smart' and experienceth 'the passion in every bottle' as He did hang on the cross, wondering at His own abandonment, trusting in HIS FAITH IN THE LORD, though He Himself didst experience a moment of doubt, wanting to taste of the Waters of Taurine and Phenomentocolonithol, thinking Himself CAST OUT of the in-crowd, yea, the crowd of those who verily didst jeer, wondering at His own rejection of their MOST UNHOLY Waters of Neurogasm. And yea, verily, they were damned, and prosperethed not, and didst go back to Nike with heads held low in SHAME" (Cok. Col. Prod. 6,123,342.a).

And so I say unto thee, my bretheren and sisteren, DRINKETH NOT of the Neurogasm, lest ye be taken wholly unawares by the PERFIDIOUS SPIRIT OF RIDICULOUS CAPITALISM and buyeth of the products which NOURISHETH NOT and produceth nothing whatsoever except profit for the UNRIGHTEOUS BOURGEOIS SINNERS of Satan. Amen.