"What are you thinking about to not carry ColonCare?"

While Comrade Y is on her pilgrimage to The Country With Hateful Racist Policies, Comrade X is posting this in her honor. While on a recent fact-finding mission to the Pacific Northwest, Comrade Y appropriated this item from a local grocery outlet's suggestion board. Thrilled with her discovery, she was unfortunately unable to detail the heinous aspects of it before embarking on her all-expenses-paid forced tour of a war zone (it was a work thing). So Comrade X is going to take over and describe his own astonishment at the complete lack of grammatical and critical thinking skills (as well as a complete blindness to the irony of the wording) displayed in this document.

First, in case you can't read it, here's the text. The complainant writes, "What are you thinking about to not carry ColonCare? Please get it regularly." The response, by some functionary of the hippie co-operative grocery outlet (the only kind of place that would actually have a bulletin board like this, in which each complaint is published publicly in order to show, perhaps, the communal nature of the caring for the problem as well as the efficiency with which the problem is solved for its members), is this: "We have it Again! Sorry for any inconvience this may have caused you! We [heart symbol] our customers!"

Okay, here we go. First, the complainant:

1. What the fuck is this supposed to mean: "What are you thinking about to not carry ColonCare?" Syntactically speaking, this question is a nightmare. How does one think about to not do something? What? Did a third-grader write this? Or a Northwesterner, where a high-school education is apparently the equivalent of a third-grade education in most other parts of the country? Really, this speaks ill of public education, to say the least. Is this person wondering what "they" were not thinking about while not carrying this particular product, which makes no sense, as they weren't carrying it for a while and I'm sure more than one thought passed -- or rather, did nor pass -- through "their" heads during this time. They probably weren't thinking about a lot of things. Or is the "customer" (we'll get to this problematic use of the term in the next section) asking if they were thinking about ways in which they could not carry this product (the answer to which seems simple: don't order it)? Comrade X is more than confused here, he is downright flabbergasted at the idiocy displayed in the writing.

2. ColonCare. You know, if I needed a product called ColonCare, I wouldn't write about it and publicize it on a complaint card posted on a publicly-displayed bulletin board and then SIGN MY NAME to it. I'd just go to Rite Aid and get it there. Fucking hippies! No one gives a shit (sorry, no pun intended) about your bowel movements! Is there no shame left in the world?

3. "Please get it regularly." Okay, how can you write about a product created as a constipation cure and NOT see the irony? I mean, really.


Now, the response:

1. "We have it Again!" Okay, I don't get why "Again" is capitalized. Is the word so important that it has to be treated as a proper noun? And again: irony. First there's no ColonCare, now there's ColonCare, and so rejoice! Things are moving again. They're getting it regularly, and now so can you!

2. "Sorry for any inconvience this may have caused you!" Okay, not to be too repetitive, but: IRONY? Obviously there was some "inconvience" in that the poor "customer" was all backed up and obviously quite angry about it. And what the fuck is "inconvience," anyway? Is that some kind of proctological term I'm unfamiliar with? Is it a synonym for "constipation"?

3. "Customers." Members of co-ops are called "members," not "customers." You'd think an employee (who is ALSO a member) would know that. Obviously not. What was this person thinking about to not know that? Oh, and don't use a heart symbol to stand in for the word "love." The response was also written by a third-grader, apparently. Is this a child's co-op, and I just didn't realize it?

Fucking hell. At the risk of being repetitive yet again, I'll say it: we're doomed.