Fuck You, Crybaby!

Comrades! Comrade X is again on the case, after spending some time -- too much time! -- performing undercover operations in service of destabilizing capitalism. But he is back now, to further enlighten and enrage with the various ways in which capitalism, in its oh-so-condescending way, treats you -- yes, YOU! -- as a complete fool.

Consider the Onion Goggles. Now, what kind of pathetic, weak-willed creature needs a pair of swimming goggles to protect themselves from the smell (and not even the smell, which of course they won't protect you from, but whatever aspect of the onion enters the atmosphere to irritate the eye) of onions? Sure, they might sting a bit when you cut them, but really, who is this weak? Who is this whiny? And who doesn't mind looking like a complete idiot while preparing food?

Let us consider the details as we find them in the advertising language:

1. Why is there a picture of an ONION wearing the goggles? Do onions need protection from themselves? Are these goggles specially designed for self-loathing onions? Is this picture designed to show the absolute effectiveness of the product by depicting the offending vegetable being protected from itself? Is the onion mocking you by showing you what an idiot you'd look like wearing them while actually NOT being protected? This makes no sense.

2. "Chopping, mincing dicing, slicing": taken out of context as they are on the front of the package, it is unclear whether these verbs apply to the action of the goggles themselves, which of course would lead to lacerations, lawsuits, and blindness, or the actions against which this product is putatively (again, no evidence provided) effective. Do THEY slice, dice, etc., or or YOU doing the slicing, dicing, etc.? (Nota Bene: Not until you turn the package over does this make sense by being put into context.)

3. "Tear free": well, OF COURSE they're tear free -- isn't that the point? Who would buy onion goggles that MADE you cry? (But see previous nota bene.)

4. Anti-fog lenses: I'm not sure how anti-fog lenses offer maximum eye protection as the fog would come from one's own breath, if I'm not mistaken, or perhaps if you're cutting onions over boiling water, in which case you get what you deserve if there's an accident (and the third-degree burns would be more of a problem than teary eyes at that point, anyway).

5. Okay, the unisex design means nothing -- since when do they make men's and women's swimming goggles, or any kind of goggles for that matter? And the fact that they do not fit over glasses will of course not deter the timid, onion-fearing (see below) moron from wearing them, which of course DECREASES safety because now they're cutting onions which they can't see. Be sure to keep a bucket of ice handy for those severed fingers if you want to be able to have a chance at reattaching them! But then, once you take the goggles off, you will be assaulted by "irritating onion vapors" which will cause teary eyes which will keep you from finding your car keys while incapacitating you with pain, so by the time the ambulance arrives, your dessicated digit will be worthless. Might as well just throw it away at that point and keep slicing, dicing, etc.!

6. "Fear no onion": why would an anthropomorphized onion wear this slogan on its, what, Nascar jacket (what IS that thing?)? Is it afraid of vegetablism? Does it wonder why humans and vegetables can't just get along? Is it tired of being the hated stepchild of the vegetable family? Is it a contender for this year's Nextel Cup? (Nota Bene: they don't show a human wearing the goggles because if they did you'd notice how STUPID they look -- the human AND the goggles -- and not even consider buying them.)

7. "These are not designed for use as safety glasses": soooooo, then they AREN'T safe? You could be cutting a piece of onion and have it fly up and hit you in the goggles and crack them and a piece of the goggle could fly in your eye and then you'd REALLY be crying?! That doesn't really inspire confidence. But hey, at least the storage case keeps the goggles clean -- that's something. You don't have to worry about them getting dirty in the drawer where you keep your Carrot Gloves, your Cucumber Protective Finger Wear, or your Potato Protection Ear Plugs.


Just fucking cut your onions and shut up. People have been doing this for thousands of years, and as far as I know, no one has yet died from doing so.