Warning! Naked pervert stalks streets!

The above police artist's conception is based on Comrade A's recent experience with a naked pervert here in our corner of America. Yes, Comrades, it is true that in this town (perhaps in all of the Pacific Northwest), it is not a crime to be naked in public, and there are some who take advantage of this law to pursue their own lascivious perverted desires on the midnight streets of Our Fair City. The story runs thus:

Comrade A, on her way to her car, which was parked a mere two blocks from her building next to the local Catholic Church and its adjoining grade school, turned a corner perhaps a tad hastily and saw from the corner of her eye a movement in the shadows next to the church. She thought to herself, "I better watch what that person a block and a half away is doing there in the shadows, just to be aware." Then, when she turned her head to see what else was going on in the vicinity, she lost sight of the person moving in the shadows, and when she turned back, it was gone. So she kept walking, and when she turned the corner to get into her car, suddenly from out of the shadowy bushes next to the church a person appeared. Well, sprung, really, right into Comrade A's path, arms akimbo and standing proudly before her. He was wearing glasses, looked a bit hipsterish, young, and smiling. She smiled back, and they had "a moment," as Comrade A puts it, before she suddenly saw his "flapping dick" and realized that the person standing in front of her was, indeed, a naked, hairy, skinny white hipster with nothing on but his glasses (Comrade X insists that he was wearing the standard-issue hipster pork-pie hat, and that Comrade A doesn't remember this due to the shock of the tiny flaccid penis waving gently but insistently in the mild breeze that pervert nudie hipsters love because it cools off their nutsack while they stand immobile, awaiting recognition and, perhaps, love), and Comrade A, rather than scream or call the police or attack him with a broken beer bottle, ran to a nearby car in which there were other, clothed hipsters no doubt preparing for a night of naked shadowy frolicking.

Of course this was all quite shocking to Comrade A, whose reason for not calling the police was that "It's not illegal to be naked here," to which Comrade X replied, "Yeah, but it IS illegal to spring menacingly from the bushes in the middle of the night with nothing on but your hat and glasses and stand with your dick hanging out in front of a fully-clothed woman," to which Comrade A said, "Yeah, well, it's not like he was DOING anything," in reply to which Comrade X screamed, "OH MY GOD! What does he NEED to do? Start slapping you in the face with his johnson? He's NAKED in the DARK with a HAT!" and Comrade A said, "Yeah, but he's not ... " and Comrade X screamed, "HE'S FUCKING NAKED -- NO, FUCK THE 'LAW' -- he's NAKED and he's SMILING and he's JUST STANDING THERE, which is WEIRD if not actually ILLEGAL!" and so on and on until finally they both agreed that a police sketch (see above) and a posted warning would suffice to hopefully keep others from experiencing this most heinous of blatant capitalist treachery.

Yes, naked capitalism -- a church, some shadows, thick glasses, and a commodified dick. What more need be said?

Oh, one more thing -- Comrade A also insists that the entire incident is actually Comrade X's fault for not walking over to her shitty neighborhood full of bums, junkies, loudmouth tranny hookers, nudist perverts, and rapists, and picking her up. Comrade X leaves it to his readers to decide who is REALLY to blame here. (Comrade A, reading over Comrade X's shoulder, just added, "Jerk! Thanks for exploiting me!" Ha! The irony ... )