"Get Hammered and Sickled!"

"A Taste Worth Standing in Line For!" Yes, we now have (thanks to Comrade Le F) the official soft drink of the Revolution (Comrade X is still in charge of finding all the official alcoholic Revolutionary beverages, of course), for those Revolutionaries who wish to keep a clear head and a sugar high while planning the overthrow of world capitalism. However, Comrade X's enthusiasm is mitigated somewhat by this cryptic slogan on the side of the bottle:

"Beware the repressed Communist Party animal who is really a proletarian in denial masquerading as a bourgeois cold war monger!"

What? Who exactly would this person be? As far as Comrade X can tell, through verbal reverse engineering, what this says is that we must beware the bourgeois Cold War monger, whom we ALREADY are wary of (and despise!), the bourgeois capitalist who for some reason (in the demented logic of this slogan) wants the Cold War (which, incidentally, has been over for almost thirty years) to continue rather than opening up closed markets for world capitalist domination, and that this person -- whom we already despise, as I said -- is actually ALSO disguised as a repressed Communist Party animal, a creature who, apparently from the description, loves to get wasted (which begs the question of why this would be on the side of a SODA bottle -- who parties with soda?) while at the same time retaining his commitment to the Party, BUT is ALSO at the same time repressed in some fashion, which seems at odds with his being a party (or Party) animal, who wouldn't actually be repressed (quite the opposite!), which is confusing enough, but ON TOP OF ALL THIS we find that underneath these two conflicting and confusing disguises lies the REAL identity of this person, who is a member of the PROLETARIAT, whom we fight for, yet he's in denial, which means he won't admit he's one of the proletariat, which means he's, what, pretending to be a capitalist? Well, apparently, he's pretending to be a Party member (who, technically, WOULD be proletarian, yes?) pretending to be his own mortal enemy, one of the bourgeoisie.

What? How fucked up IS this person? NO amount of therapy will help THIS situation!

So, if you plan to drink this particular beverage, exercise EXTREME caution -- capitalist whoremongers might have infused it with schizophrenia-inducing drugs to weaken the Revolutionary spirit of us Revolutionaries who have, I hope, a firm grasp on the reality of the revolutionary situation and only ONE personality we're having to deal with.

But you never know.