Greetings, Comrades: a belated introduction

In a recent late-night meeting at our local cell of the International Comintern (do NOT believe the capitalist propaganda that thinks the Comintern disbanded -- I assure you it is alive and well and existing solely for your education and salvation from the scorpion clutch of omnipresent capitalism), it was decided that in order to save you, Comrades, we should at least put a face on what could seem, in this impersonal world of vapid, immediate, overwhelming, constant, consumer-centered communication, yet another impersonal attempt to SELL products by DISGUISING advertisements for them as actual CRITIQUES of the ideological underpinnings of the language associated with them. No! We assure you this IS NOT SO! We of Comintern Cell Local #234 labor humbly for the destruction of capitalism, ceaselessly, for the release of our working comrades throughout the greater Sioux City metropolitan area (we were laboring on behalf of our comrades in the surrounding districts of Woodbury County, as well, but found the commuting too difficult, what with gas prices being what they are and the notorious unreliability of our 1972 Buick Skylark, a sleek and otherwise very manageable vehicle despite the difficulty of manipulating the non-powered steering and a little trouble with the local Department of Motor Vehicles who would not pass us due to "emissions problems" -- yet another way in which we suffer under the cold and cruel hands of faceless, unaccountable bureaucratic power, O My Comrades!), and are attempting, by using the tools of our oppressors (no, we do not have a Twitter feed yet, but we are working on it), to labor on behalf of ALL the residents of the United States of Capitalism!

But as I said, let me introduce us: we are Comrade X and Comrade Y (for obvious reasons, it would be foolish to use our real names of Lucinda Lipshitz and Dumasky Yablinsky, as this would undoubtedly undermine our covert attempts to destroy the oppressive ideology of the bourgeois. However, if you would like to communicate privately with us [say, to offer donations to the cause in the form of cashier's checks or register with us and receive a free Welcome to the Revolution Kit, complete with secret decoder ring (no, I am not kidding), a black-light poster of V. I. Lenin (very cool and a great conversation piece for parties and possible recruitment), and a poster of a stylized muscular worker in the 1930s Soviet Realist style with the motto "Through Strength and Hammers And Such We Will Smash Our Way to Victory"], do send mail to our home address, 2329 Tourquoise Jewelry Way #109 and 1/2, Sioux City, IA, 51101, or call us on our secure line, 712-555-1913). We attended the Post-Industrial Anti-Capitalist Worker Glorification College and School of Dentistry in Gdansk (1967-1971), graduating with Honors in the fields of Agrarian Unrest with a minor in Ideological Infiltration (Comrade Y also received a minor in Threshing and Combine Technology, very helpful when the next Five-Year Plan is put into effect) and winning the following prestigious awards along the way: Freshman Ferreter Award (for discovering non-adherents to the Party and denouncing them, a very nice medal with a stylized rat gnawing the body of a shrieking half-eaten banker containing much filigree and a little red ribbon protruding from the bottom), won by Comrade X; Spontaneous Exaggerated Propagandistic Blurtings Award, Comrade Y, for screaming party slogans in her Bread Line Management course during the mid-term (thus confusing her classmates and giving her the highest score on the test); and, won by both in the same month of their senior year, the Medal for Distinguished Service to the International Cause of Doing What Needs to be Done (the college's top honor) for staging a burning of all copies of the game Monopoly (Russian edition, of course) that could be found in the homes of their friends and family.

We have been quite busy since college in pursuing our appointed task, and would love to tell you more about our accomplishments. Please read our blog and stay tuned for further news and continue your education and outrage.

Ranters of the World, Unite!