Okay, Comrade X is drunk and pissed. You have been warned! First of all, it took three tries to upload this photo of this STUPID FUCKING IDIOTIC PRODUCT. Technology is in the hands of capitalist scum! We need it, we want it, we use it to undermine the very thing that allows us to undermine it. (Comrade X has the television playing in the background as he writes this. FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL! Crisis of conscience!) It's crazy! Subversion is allowed by the prevailing power network in order to diffuse and expend that excess negative energy. Negative energy they can't stand! So they give us these little pockets of subversion, all the while knowing that it works to their advantage, knowing that we can't do anything about their FUCKING OPPRESSIVE OMNIPRESENT CAPITALIST STRATEGIES that keep us all TRAPPED and SUBSERVIENT to their fucking monetary WHIMS! Aaaaarggh!!!!!
COMRADE X IS PISSED!!!!!!!!!
Okay, where was I? Oh, product analysis:
1. If you're a fat fuck, eating "Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Sundae" is NOT a wise dietary decision! Fucking forget about whether or not it's from "Smart Ones," whoever the fuck THEY are. How can it possibly be more than empty calories and awful-tasting cardboardy crap that passes for food? Do you think nature intended for us to eat FUCKING COOKIE DOUGH!? FUCK NO!!!!! Nature intended for us to eat grass and dirt and fruit and nuts or whatever the fuck, and this, this is just an ABOMINATION created by some stupid corporation who cares NOTHING about your health or your weight or your self-image (which they in part have helped to create in order to sell their FUCKING MISERABLE LYING PIECE OF SHIT DESTRUCTIVE PRODUCT), a corporation who intentionally works to MAKE YOU FATTER so you will buy more of their "cookie dough" shit to make you think you're losing weight when in fact you can't help but gain it which serves their purpose admirably. They make you think you have a problem, then give you a solution to that problem which actually serves to create the "problem" it is ostensibly trying to cure; worse, and then you feel even MORE desperate to cure it, which means buying more of their product, which means getting fatter, which means ... you get the idea. UNLESS YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND I HATE FUCKING IDIOTS!
Okay, so: umm, here's the deal. Back to product analysis. Well, I think I said all I need to say about that. If you want to lose weight, don't eat anything that sounds like it will make you gain weight. That's just stupid. Try exercise.
Second: who the fuck is that guy scratching his ass in the background? Not only are the products heinous, but the actual late-night consumers ARE, ON THEIR OWN, CRAZY FUCKING WEIRD! What's with these baggy-assed pants scratch-your-hole-in-public freak-baits who think that it's COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE to grope your nasty areas in public? WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh, and:
Third: who's the freakbait peeking around the aisle to make sure Yours Truly isn't taking pictures of their products to highlight in their blog, for the sake of EXPOSING CAPITALIST CRIMES?! Some fucking capitalist toady, that's who! Well, our loyal readers will be glad to know that the following exchange took place:
Toady: What are you doing?
Us: Destroying capitalism, duh!
Toady: Well, we don't allow pictures in our store.
Us: What? You have pictures ALL OVER THE PLACE!
Toady: Well, yes, but those are advertisements.
Us: Exactly my point!
Toady: Umm, sir, I don't see how ...
Us: You're just a fucking cog in the corporate wheel! You will be ground down and cast off! Join our ...
Toady: Sir: we don't allow ...
Us: What? YOU don't allow? Or your corporate overlords don't allow?
Toady: (Confused.) Excuse me?
Us: WHAT DON'T YOU ALLOW? (Our voice was raised and perhaps our fists were, too.)
Toady: Please, sir, I'm only doing my ...
Us: Don't say "job." DON'T SAY IT!
Toady: But ...
Us: Because that's EXACTLY what they want you to say, like your "job" is what defines you and ...
Toady: Please, sir, don't make me call security ...
Us: WHAT THE FUCK?! This is SAFEWAY, dick! There's no fucking "security"! Free your FUCKING MIND!
Toady: Sir, I assure you, there is a man we employ who will take you out of ...
Us: What? Out of your capitalistic predetermined boundaries? I doubt it! All they'll do is, is take us out of the FUCKING STORE, but what will YOU do to fight the CAPITALIST BULLSHIT that goes on here? Oppressing and repressing and depressing and ...
Toady: Martha, I need Security in Aisle 7 ...
Us: OH, yeah, call "Martha," whoever the fuck SHE is, and try to get my ass kicked out of ...
Toady: Sir, security has been called, and I really don't ...
Us: You wanna fuck with me, asshole? (Striking kung fu-ish pose.)
Toady: Uhh ...
Us: Just cause I wanna take a picture of a Hot Pocket?
Toady: Uh, sir, it was actually a Smart Ones ...
Us: FUCK IT, ASSHOLE! It's all the same! Hot Pockets, Smart Ones, its all bullshit! Don't you SEE?! (Quoting lines from a film that has nothing to do with the current situation:) "I fucks you up, Lebowski! I fucks you up the ass!"
Toady: Uhh, sir, I really don't ...
Us: "I fucks you up! I fucks you up!"
Toady: Umm, perhaps we could just ... you know ... forget about this ...
Us: (Thinking.) In what way?
Toady: You know, you could maybe just leave the store ...
Us: I will never leave until the rights of workers have been acknowledged and their power restored and ...
[At this juncture the aforementioned "security" shows up and there is a very large amount of indiscriminate dialogue and conflict and whatnot that ends with:]
Us: Fascists!
Them: And stay out, you fucking hippie!
Us: I'M NOT A FUCKING HIPPIE, GODDAMMIT!
Them: Then why are you all going all granola about the fucking shit we got in ...
Us: Because you suck capitalist cock, you motherfucking cocksucker faggot mother fucker ...
[At this point, truncheons are displayed and Your Humble Correspondent is not only threatened with a beating, but a beating is delivered via the conduits of Capitalist Hegemony, and in the aftermath, there is this short dialogue:]
Us: You'll be hearing from my lawyers, you fucking fascists!
Them: Yeah, whatever. Just stay outta our store, hippie!
HIPPIE! Can I be FURTHER from a hippie? I ask you!? Weigh in, Comrades!
Hahahhahahahahhahahahahhahah.
ReplyDeleteOh my god . I laugh now.
I have to go buy a camera at some bullshit electronic store so I can also capture the walking dead around the product ! Perfect .
-Y
Dear angry Sir,
ReplyDeleteAlso please look at the frozen pumpkin ravioli sign with grotesquely out of proportion green exclamation point.
-Brettastic
Brettastic --
ReplyDeleteI signed on this morning, realizing I had forgotten to mention the pumpkin ravioli -- whatever THAT is (SO disgusting! But they finally found A SECOND use for pumpkin pie filler) -- but I see you've already pointed it out. Well done! Your membership materials are in the mail.
-- Comrade X
Comrade Y --
ReplyDeleteWhy are you BUYING a camera? Have you utterly forgotten the PURPOSE of this blog? NO CONSUMER PRODUCTS! We are out to DESTROY capitalism, not ENABLE IT! STEAL the camera instead!
-- Comrade X
And the picture of the pumpkin ravioli looks like a pile of puke. I feel sick.
ReplyDeleteX-
ReplyDeleteFuck it. I' m buying a camera with my tax return . Also I must confess I buy those baby carrots which aren't baby carrots all at. They are just pretend baby carrots made from large deformed carrots.
I will take a picture of them with my new camera, as soon as I buy a car and get to the store: Oh shit...Yeah, I need a car too. Also, I really want to get new leggings and an expensive long sweater and some new flats.
-Y
Y --
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you buy an "I Love Capitalism" bumper sticker for your new Exploitomobile, while you're at it?
-- X
Dear Y & X,
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. It made me laugh really hard. Like hysterical.
Dear Y & X,
ReplyDeleteWhy was X not arrested at the store? Didn't someone cut someone's head off at an Albertsons recently, running amok with a samurai sword?
Please discuss the phenomenon of the underlying stench of all supermarkets. That is why the air conditioning is always set at freezing. It smells like dead bodies.
X & Y,
ReplyDeleteyou should continue to take pictures of anything you want. they are most assuredly taking pictures of you constantly! and you might not remember being asked if that was ok.
fuck them and thank you!
(if you ever need chick distraction help to gather more data - lemme know. I am a guerrilla playa)
Comrade X-
ReplyDeleteI must point out to you that espousing the destruction of the capitalist machine while owning an iPhone is amusing. Just saying. So go forth and remake the world in your image as long as the consumer electronics are pretty and cutting edge.
Dear Von Pasi Stein,
ReplyDeleteI totally forgot about sword wielding Albertsons guy ! He was probably enraged by HOT POCKETS too !
The supermarket DOES smell like death unless refrigerated. GROSS.
Totally disgusting.
WOULD YOU RATHER:
1. Freeze to death
or
2. Smell to death
OY, my colon .
-Y
Janie Jones, welcome to the revolution! Your Urban Camo Zipper-front DKNY Guerrilla Jumpsuit with pleated placket front is in the mail. Please try it on for size. We will be in contact about urban raiding.
ReplyDelete-- Comrade X
Everacertainsmile --
ReplyDeleteIn our war on capitalism, communication is KEY to our success! Therefore, the iPhone is a necessary revolutionary tool. We are using the most capitalistic of capitalistic products to undermine capitalism itself! So you see, it's all about the irony. Revolutions ride on irony. It makes them more noteworthy! Oh, and the sleek design and user-friendly interface of the iPhone is a plus, too! And the apps, of course.
-- M
To fellow Comrade Irritables-
ReplyDeleteAh yes. The apps. I forgot about that. Is there an ideology meter? Because I fear you might need one in this day and age. If someone pings high enough on the Comrade scale, then you can coerce them to join you in your quest to upset the capitalist overlords that control our world!
You just gave me an EXCELLENT IDEA Everacertainsmile.
ReplyDeleteX-!!!!! This is genius. We MUST make an app to alert people when they are nearing grotesque cases of consumeristic crimes,or somesing.
Your iphone could start beeping violently when nearing "In Style" Magazine.
-Y
X - jumpsuit fits, though I prefer velcro over zippers. DKNY logo obliterating any actual individual identity. purrrr-fect.
ReplyDeletecapitalist consumerist crimes can only be fought using the perpetrators own ultra-sexy weapons of destruction so as to emerge from within, almost imperceptible, just as the consumerist take over has occurred. as a slow lulling, an unnoticed giving in. the new app is called iLose. or iDeolog. or iFucked.
and which of you out there are actually the same person? flexible identity is crucial. obviously.
we are one, we are none.
of yours,
JanieJones.
Dear J.J.,
ReplyDelete"and which of you out there are actually the same person? "
We are both skinny and furious, so it's hard to tell us apart.
icofused -X & Y
Ah, yes, the apps, the ideology meter, iDeolog. Brilliant! Your iPhone can start playing the theme song from Xanadu at top volume when you get too close to In Style magazine or deliver a small shock when you begin to gravitate toward designer cheeses or Paul Newman's Organic Anythings.
ReplyDeleteWhich of our many Comrades knows how to write apps? This is a hurdle ...
-- X