The first item in our list of consumer crimes

Consider: this is the toilet paper I buy. I recognize it in the store by its purple label, and not much else. I have no idea why I started buying it, but me being me, once I started using it (for whatever reason), I could not stop. I have to keep coming back to it, again and again and again. Is it the best toilet paper on the market? Who knows. How would one judge something like that? Is it the cheapest? No (this is a consideration of the capitalist, the filthy bourgeois!). And is this not the Prime Sin of Consumerism? Brand loyalty? But then I LOOKED at it. And I became confused. And so I ask you to consider it with me:

1. The math. 12 double rolls DOES NOT equal 24 single rolls! Who would read that and think they were actually getting a bargain? 12 rolls is 12 rolls! NO ONE is going to buy these 12 rolls, unwrap them from their spool, peel them apart, and make 24 rolls! NO! They're going to do what everyone does: use the 12 rolls and then buy 12 more. What the fuck?! Who thought THAT up? (But of course this begs the question of waste: if we use only one side of the toilet paper, do we not waste half of it, mathematically speaking? And is waste not a bourgeois plot to facilitate and expedite further purchasing and the circulation of the hard-earned wages of the oppressed? Well, this reminds me of a story: a friend of mine had a friend whose mother ran a halfway house for patients from Napa State Mental Institution who were being reintegrated into society. One such person was a man named Norman. Well, one day, my friend and his friend decided to snort heroin and watch Gilligan's Island when Norman comes into the living room and declares that he's "going to the park."
"What for?"
"To count the trees."
"Wha?" they proclaim in unison.
"Yep. Count the trees," Norman continues in his drooly monotone.
"What the fuck for?"
"The city."
"You're counting trees for the city?"
"Yep. Counting trees. Make sure they're all there."
Well, just then, the friend's friend's mother comes out of the hallway into the living room holding a cardboard box. "GodDAMNit, Norman!" she screams. "I TOLD you about this!" And she throws the box across the room, from which float hundreds of squares of toilet paper, all used on both sides. Apparently Norman would save the toilet paper he used, flip it over, and put it in this box so he could use the other side at a later date. After a short pause, while all watched the brown-and-white fluttering cascade of unutterableness, the two friends look at each other, and one says to the other, "We're out of here." What happened between Norman and his keeper after that is anyone's guess.)

2. "Ultra" what? Huh? HUH?! (Note: "Ultra" is one of the favorite slogans of the bourgeoisie. If something fails or threatens to fail to capture the glassy-eyed attention of the oppressed working class, the label "ultra" is quickly applied to it to give it a kind of magical resonance to which the working class is, alas, not in any way immune. The reasons for this are only dimly understood.)

3. "Cushiony comfort." Okay, first, you can't just make adjectives out of nouns, you just can't. What does "buildingy," mean, for instance? Two, it makes no sense. Three, how exactly is toilet paper comfortable? Does it give you comfort when you feel sad? Does it listen to your problems? Does it provide hemorrhoid relief? No, it does not! (In fact, it is the leading cause of that particular malady.) Comfort? Ha! It's not like you're wiping your ass with silk, geez! (for further enlightenment, v. Bolsheviksky's infamous linguistic treatise, "On the Adjectivization of Menshevick Nounal Anti-Revolutionary Psuedo-Cultural Linguistic Formulations," Journalsky da Bulshitskevisky Linguistiksky, 19:19, 1923.)

3. The dog under the quilt. What is this meant to signify? What are the associations here? Does this toilet paper get dog hair on your butt? Does it feel like there's a potentially dangerous animal living between the 2-ply (of TWELVE rolls, NOT 24!)? Does it warm your ass when you use it? Does it shit on the rug? Do you have to feed it? Walk it? Take it to the groomers? Is toilet paper Man's Best Friend? WHAT?! (It should be noted here that certain Freudian interpreters have alluded to the primitivistic associations between the domesticated animal and the colonic evacuation of waste product. This association is, of course, intimated in myth: consider Jung's famous discussion of the Botswanan K'Ung'k tribe's famous myth: The Lion Who Shat Ten Thousand Cubs And How Those Cubs Came to Rule the World and Then to Lose Their Rule Through Means Heavenly and Thus Inscrutable and so Not Necessarily Within Their Control.) Or: is the dog symbolizing the turd, and the quilt/bed combination the colon? The mind reels.

Feel free to add to the list. This revolution is yours, too, after all.