The environment is a capitalist ploy

Comrade Y has oh-so-eloquently pointed out the absurdity of taking an already existing food source and turning it into a product by preying on the laziness and lassitude of the modern-day bourgeois consumer who is too stupid to realize that said product is merely a degradation of an already-existing entity. They do this, of course, by changing it in an infinitesimally small way, such as taking a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich, the simplest of assembled food products, and crimping the crust and making it circular and adding MORE preservatives and selling it at an exorbitant mark-up to unwary and idiotic consumers. Who would buy this product? And why? It seems more like a product -- or a weapon -- aimed at the extremely poor working class, something they can leave for their latch-key children to eat while they are working their 16-hour double-job shifts so their children can develop cancer and thus reduce the workforce and so lower wages as the number of workers of the slightly better off proletariat flood into the areas normally occupied by the extremely lower-class working poor, thus further vitiating the power of the worker. Fucking capitalists! The leading cause of death of the working poor and the really, really poor (working or not). But I have just discovered another ploy to keep the proletariat trogloditic and unhappy: the environment.

Consider: Adams' Creamy Salted Peanut Butter (as well as the other types of Adams' peanut butter) is sponsoring a contest: to wit: "Tell us how you are helping the environment and you could win a trip to Yosemite worth $4,000."

Well, first of all:
1. Bullshit. They, being capitalist pigs, could care less about the environment, and eating corporate-grown peanut products hardly helps the environment as it supports the soil-destroying cattle farm industry, which creates so much manure that the land these farms sit on will remain sterile for the next 10,000,000 years due to the accumulated nitrates. Not to mention the increased cancer rate of those living around such farms and eating food grown in soil contaminated with leached nitrates, which, it is well known, can seep hundreds of miles through water tables.

2. There is no "worth" to this "trip." Worth is a by-product of capitalist ideology: nothing is "worth" anything. The only worth is the worth the laborer instills in his product -- but due to the massive amount of alienation of labor involved in all the various processes involved in such a "vacation," there can be no worth involved. Instead of "worth," what they mean is "cost," and "cost" cannot be determined by some arbitrary bean-counting fuckwit working for his corporate overlords. There is no one "cost," but various "costs" depending on the person taking the "trip." Who is fooled by this? FOOLS and DUPES are fooled by this! For the corporation, there is no cost, as they have reciprocal agreements with various high-priced vendors in the Yosemite "tourist memory enhancement" area.

And so I, Comrade X, will submit the following essay to undermine the process of the capitalist scumbags who run this "contest," which is designed to do only one thing: sell fucking PEANUT BUTTER!

The essay:

Dear Pieces of Capitalist Shit:

I would like to describe the ways in which I am helping the environment in order to win the fabulous and highly-valued -- $4,000! A king's ransom! -- trip to Yosemite, the details of which remain obscure, of course, and even though I do not know if this means I will be staying in deluxe accomodations and viewing the Grand Canyon and assorted not-yet-extinct beasts through a telescope from my penthouse suite while sipping slushy frozen drinks fit only for high school girls and Tahitian resorts or if I will be staying in a pup tent with a rancid unwashed drug-addled rapist hippie "guide" for any number of days and nights, starving and hysterical in the depths of the valleys of the rugged wilderness of the Park, where many "tourists" die each year as they foolishly believe that they can merely walk into the woods and survive, not realizing they need things like, oh, say, SURVIVAL SKILLS, and so take with them a plastic bottle of Evian (which they throw away into a convenient patch of foliage when they are through with it) and a Power Bar, Oreos-n-Cream flavor, and then realize they don't know where the fuck they are and so walk in circles wondering why the fuck they didn't take their Cadillac SUV into the wilderness with them, and why their iPhone GPS device and Google Maps feature doesn't work, and then die, their corpses picked clean by birds of prey, their eyes plucked out by vultures and their flesh torn and rent and consumed by foxes and wolves and badgers -- fucking badgers! -- in the resplendent postcard-knowledge wilderness of their exotic and unprecedented vacation, never before having left the hideous suburban nightmare of sterile marriages, hopelessly fucked-up progeny, Schools of Torture and Humiliation and Indoctrination, and the endless rigid concrete conformity of ideological oppression and adherence that molds this putative utopia into a shape far more reminiscent of the nine levels of hell, and ...

I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my thread. But, in a nutshell, O Adams' Peanut Butter Conglomerate, the way I help the wilderness is this: I look up extinct species on Wikipedia for my children's middle-school science essays and laugh at how stupid they were not to have invented something smart, like Adams' Salted Unstirred Creamy Peanut Butter, to ensure their own survival in the midst of a natural environment which we have, oh so smugly and intelligently, removed ourselves from so that we are not subject to the various terrors and dangers of it. Instead, we sit in our homes, dully staring at our media soma, our televisual food product, our nourishment, pretending that we, somehow, are unique, and not headed for extinction. But BEWARE, O capitalist fear-mongers: YOU TOO WILL FALL!

SO FUCK YOU!

In conclusion, I would like to thank you for this opportunity to join your contest, and look forward to hearing that I have won.

Sincerely,

Comrade X


And that, dear readers, is my essay on How I Help the Environment. I hope I win. It would be cool to go to Yosemite. Of course, I will be sure to steal the bathrobe from my four-star accomodation.