A sampling of offerings from James Klindt's menu at his new restaurant, Eats and Sweets:
"Honey, I Ate the Kids": a tasty brouillade with eggs, truffles, and generous gobbets of freshly-hacked child's flesh. Served with a side salad (with carmelized walnuts) and baby carrots in a butter sauce.
"This Little Piggy Went to Market": human toes sauteed in a base of chicken broth and our secret herbs, wrapped in pancetta and served on a bed of crisp Romaine lettuce with a side of cottage cheese.
"Prison-Yard Blues": blue-corn gruel served with a salt peter sauce and a side of fries.
"Shut Yer Yap!": human lips lightly breaded and served with an aioli dipping sauce. Can be eaten as an appetizer or a main dish. We recommend pairing this with a glass of Mouton '09 for a gustatory experience you won't soon forget!
"Heeeeeeeeeeerrrrrre's JOHNNY!": axe-carved salt-cured human thigh meat and an iceberg lettuce side salad with ranch dressing. We recommend pairing this with a healthy shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon. Enjoy your meal, Mr. Torrance!
"I Gotta Hand It to Ya, Mildred!": delicate (human) ladies' fingers served on a bed of bacon and a semifreddo egg custard for dessert. Truly finger-lickin' good!
"I'll Kill You, You Fuckin' Cunt!": a rich seviche consisting of sole, pompano, and human vagina. The house specialty. Not available in September. Ask server for pricing.
"And This One's For Ruining My Life!": a lovely cioppino-inspired stew of generous chunks of human liver, kidney, heart, and gall bladder. Served in a tomato base with garlic and our special spices. Comes with our house bread.
"Axe Me Later": the house special. Dishes vary depending on the local catch of the day. Ask server for availability.
"Straight-Up Cannibalism": human meat, served raw. Certain waivers must be signed before eating. Available upon request only.
"Git Yer Ass in the Kitchen, Bitch!": human flank steak marinated in organic tamari sauce with ginger and shallots. Served with our house fries and your choice of Brussels sprouts or julienned carrots. A perennial favorite!
"Wuz the Milkman Squeezin' Them Titties, Too?": white human breast meat served bechamel. Served with bocconcini. We recommend pairing this dish with an Italian Montepulciano for a truly extraordinary dining experience!
"Twenty Years in the Hole": tossed green salad with our house vinaigrette.
"Hey, Bitch, I Been Thinkin' ...": human brains in a semolina breading, covered with shitake mushrooms and sun-dried tomatoes. A seasonal favorite.
Bon Appetite!
I think the Montepulciano would overwhelm the breast meat and cheese (cheese? really? I'd think maybe caramelized apples)... It might require a full-bodied white, such as a Sauvignon Blanc. Just sayin'.
ReplyDelete-E
but...but...what about the fava beans and a nice chianti?
ReplyDeleteC'mon, you all saw the Hanibal Lector joke coming right? Or maybe I should have opened with an Ed Gein zing? No, he wasn't known for his down home cooking, but had some mad sewing skills. Jeffery Dahmer...now he was the Jamie Oliver of the cannibal celebrity chefs. He could have shown our boy a thing or two about bar b q.
Le Fe
Sorry I have to VOMIT FOREVER NOW.
ReplyDeleteTHANKS!
-y
PS VOMIT
PPS VOMIT
OMG VOMIT
E -- You'll want to bring that up with Mr. Klindt. Be sure not to become a new menu item after doing so.
ReplyDeleteLe F -- I never go for the obvious. There's no skill in that. Plus I believe that Mr. Dahmer preferred his boy flesh tartar.
Y -- Stop being such a drama queen.
-- X
i'm vomiting too. actually the human toes are making my physically ill.
ReplyDeleteewwwwww that is so utterly disgusting. i was going to have my late night snack and now i am nauseated. god.
jen
boy flesh tartar...we have a new menue item. que evil manical laughter.
ReplyDeleteLe F