Anonymous Blogger Calls It Quits

Portland, ORE. (AP) -- The anonymous blogger known to the world only as "Comrade X" decided late yesterday afternoon to take his own life in what many observers thought a fashion well in keeping with his flamboyant and outrageous online image. One witness to Comrade X's publicly-staged yet apparently spur of the moment suicide noted that the controversial and lately mostly silent blogger had "ballooned out on antidepressants," gaining what another observer termed "a shitload of weight." This witness further noted, "Dude, he was like, walking down the sidewalk with one of them triple-decker ice cream cones in his hand, the strawberry-chocolate-vanilla kind? With sprinkles? And he, like, said, 'I don't wanna live!' and threw himself under the streetcar. And his ice cream cone flew up in the air and the ice cream scoops rolled up against the curb and this girl ate them!" This report was corroborated by another witness who remarked, "Yeah, this girl said, like, 'I'm gonna eat that!' and she totally ate his ice cream while he was like, lying under the streetcar." It seems that Comrade X's attempted suicide did not initially succeed, as he was of rather large proportions and the clearance under the streetcar measured a mere six inches. Yet fantastically, he managed to roll under it and become trapped there (interestingly enough, it seems that on average, 47 Oregonians per year become trapped under light rail public transportation and live; 1, 237 become trapped and die, usually due to the fact that no one cares that they're under there), and when rescue workers from the Oregon Department of Public Transportation arrived to take out the floor panels of the streetcar and pull him through it, he screamed, "Let me die with dignity!" and refused to be moved. A grueling 72 hours later, after the Portland police rushed in negotiators, suicide hotline volunteers, a score of psychotherapists, a team of Ben and Jerry's employees, and Comrade X's own mother, the usually indomitable blogger succumbed to the elements and died, his face frozen in a rictus of utter disdain. Said one observer, "Dude, his face was ALL fucked up! I'm not gonna forget that any time soon. Not for, like, a week, at least!" Services were to be held at Grace Memorial Chapel until someone found a copy of Comrade X's will, which stipulated that his body be cut into one-inch cubes and dropped from a height of 100 feet onto downtown Portland. The date of the carcass dispersal has yet to be announced.