The Worst College in America

Portland, ORE. (AP) -- US News and World Report recently listed their top picks for colleges in 2011. They listed their bottom picks for the current year, as well. This year, as in most previous years, the college coming in at the absolute bottom is (no surprise to long-time readers of that periodical): Portland State University. Some of the reasons given for this ranking of that particular institution are these:

1. 95% of PSU faculty fantasize about being students in their own classes; the remaining 5% fantasize about being students in other professors' classes, hoping desperately that they might learn something.

2. 77% of PSU faculty masturbate to the thought of watching themselves teach; 22% masturbate to the thought of watching a video explaining what teaching is; 1% masturbate without realizing it (often in the classroom setting).

3. 17% of PSU professors have had sex with their students; 83% have tried and failed to have sex with their students.

4. 11% of PSU faculty have had a scholarly article rejected by a refereed journal in their field in the past year; 52% of PSU faculty were unable to name a refereed journal in their field; 3% of PSU faculty were unable to define the term "journal"; 87% of PSU faculty described themselves as "resting on my laurels, man."

5. 54% of PSU faculty have been drunk within 24 hours of teaching; 44% of PSU faculty have been drunk while teaching; 2% of PSU faculty are Mormons.

6. Tuition rates at PSU have risen 150% within the last five years. Faculty workload has decreased 3,550% within the last five years. Faculty productivity (calculated as a measurement of written work [both published and unpublished], courses taught, amount of papers and exams given and graded, time spent developing lecture content, committee work, public service, and course development) has declines 127,342% over the last twenty years.

7. The average PSU tenured professor teaches 4 classes within any given year. The average PSU student enrolls in 4 classes within any given year.

8. PSU faculty have been accused of the following malfeasances: gross incompetence; inability to speak a language recognizable by the majority of the students; inability to understand the rudiments of the required curriculum they are teaching; inappropriate conduct; inappropriate language; inappropriate intelligence; inappropriate attire; general inappropriateness; gross ineptitude; moral turpitude; intellectual laziness; general laziness; fucking laziness; absolute hippieness; partial hippieness; obsolescence. [All charges taken from grievances filed by students and faculty members 2009-2010.] In only 2% of these cases has any faculty member bothered to dispute such charges. In only 0.000000000000000001% of those cases have the charges been taken seriously by a panel of equally inept and morally bankrupt peers.

9. PSU restrooms have been labeled "the worst in the country" by Washroom Attendant Monthly, a peer-reviewed journal of scholarly inquiry into restroom-related issues.

10. PSU received votes of "no fucking confidence" more often (97% of all votes tallied) than any other university in America by currently matriculating students (it is interesting to note in this context that the current [i.e., school year 2009-2010] breakdown of grades by student by course at PSU is the following: 63% A; 6% B; 0.5% C; 30.5% Incomplete).

These are merely a few of the interesting statistics recently published by US News and World Report about this university. Certainly as this reporter investigates further, even more astounding facts will come to light.