More Online Horror!

For those of you wondering what kind of men haunt the online environment, I submit this email, WHICH I DID NOT MAKE UP AND IS ABSOLUTELY GENUINE!, received recently by our very own Comrade E on a popular online dating site. I have edited it in order that you might actually make it all the way through without your head exploding:

"Hi [Comrade E],

Sep. 25, 2010 – 4:24pm [Who the fuck dates their emails? They come with dates ON THEM! And puts the TIME on it? And was that the exact time he finished writing it, or the time he sent it? Why does he think it matters? Does he think this makes him more desirable? Already this is a nightmare ... ]

I read what you wrote [Well, better than admitting that you didn't read anything on the profile but sent an email anyway] and I noticed that you have a good intellect [He "noticed" this? Like it was some clue buried in the profile? Or just some random trait that doesn't mean much? Comrade E is smart, yes, but it's not like her profile includes advanced physics equations. How exactly do you determine a "good intellect"?], read allot [Whatever THAT is. Apparently he DOESN'T read a lot, or he would "notice" that "allot" isn't printed in any book EVER because it's NOT A FUCKING WORD, IDIOT!] , are the happiest girl in PDX (I like [You mean you WOULD like, you illiterate fucking moron! Maybe if you READ more you'd be able to use the language] to know more about that) and it looks like you are working for yourself, involved in some pretty interesting crafting projects and have found your equilibrium [Okay, so far he's basically just repeated what Comrade E ALREADY KNOWS because she WROTE IT IN HER PROFILE! What the fuck? If he thinks she's smart, why does he feel the need to remind her of what she's doing in her life? Does he think she FORGOT?]. Awesome! [Okay, now I have a pet peeve about the misuse of this word -- basically only hippies, surfers, and social retards use this word in this fashion -- it DOES NOT apply to mundane things like crafting, it is used to refer to THE POWER OF GOD TO SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACE IN and should NOT be diluted through this popular use of it to mean "Yeah, okay, that's interesting -- to you," because really, no one who replies "AWESOME!" to something you say REALLY thinks it's all that great] I'd like to know more about what you shared [When? When you were in kindergarten? Or does he mean what she "shared" in her profile? Which was nothing, really, because when you create a public profile, you're not "sharing" anything -- you're relating things that are fit for PUBLIC CONSUMPTION. Sharing implies intimacy. USE PRECISE LANGUAGE!].

My name is [ ... ] and looking for something different [That's your name? "[ ... ] and looking for something different"? That's quite a name. And different than what? Than you? Different than Comrade E? Different than what you normally get, or probably, different than being COMPLETELY ALONE because you're SUCH A FUCKWIT? Different from your hand?] . I am a fun [I doubt that], loving [SELF-loving], passionate [Do you drool during sex?], intelligent [Yeah, I can tell by the way you write. Don't be so modest!], good listener [Aside from the grammatical incongruity here, I'm sure you listen quite well -- to YOUR OWN BULLSHIT. But someone who babbles on this much IN AN INTRODUCTORY, OUT-OF-THE-BLUE EMAIL does NOT listen to other people, but rather talks AT them -- but wait, you'll see!], resourceful [Why is this important? And why the semi-colon? And if you're so resourceful, why do you need an internet site to get women? Why can't you find them in the woods or whatever, Mr. Resourceful?]; know how to make things with my hands [Like what? A fucking mess on your sheets? And why are you continuing your list?], like listening to a good band and seeing pretty art [Now THERE'S a unique trait! Me, I like listening to shitty bands and seeing ugly art. But that's just me. And: "pretty art"? What the fuck? Comrade Y is at this moment completely enraged, I am sure. Perhaps he also enjoys G'noshing]. My time is pretty open [Because you're unemployed and can't get dates?] because I am the boss of my Life Coaching and Internet promotion businesses [Yep, unemployed. And: life coaching? What the fuck is that? Therapy without any credentials? This asshole has the TEMERITY to tell OTHER PEOPLE how to run their lives! And they listen to him? Well, obviously not or his time wouldn't be "pretty open" (read: WIDE open). And he has Internet promotion businessES? Why would you need one, let alone multiple, "business" to PROMOTE THE INTERNET? Are there people out there saying, "You know, I'm not completely sold on this whole newfangled Internet thing -- I think it's just a fad. Can you help sell me on the idea?" That just sounds like BULLSHIT to me, Mr. Resourceful!].

You are someone with whom I might like to be in ["a," perhaps?] partnership [WHOA! Slow down there, Tex! You read an online profile and think, "Yep, that's the one -- let's get married!" The mail order brides come from other countries, not this one, dipshit. And what woman would respond to that with anything but "You're a fucking desperate freak. So, no thanks!"?]. I am offering a supportive relationship [Well, good to know you're not offering a dysfunctional relationship. But really, man, that's your opening line? That's what you lead with? Is that what you offer your life-coaching clients? Advice like that?]. I don't know how our two lives would fit together [yet you think you want to be in a relationship. AGAIN with the putting the cart before the horse! Shouldn't you really figure that out BEFORE you "offer" a "supportive (read: co-dependent) relationship"? Again, if this is how you think, I pity your poor, moronic life-coaching victims. Seriously, you should be ashamed. You make us ALL look bad!], but, I think [You take a lot (I mean, "allot") on faith! Shouldn't you KNOW this first?] that we are looking for the same thing; expressing and experiencing love in a happy and fulfilling relationship and doing our own thing [Whatever the fuck THAT means! So you presume to tell our Comrade E what she is looking for, then tell her that what YOU are looking for is this vague notion of a "happy and fulfilling" relationship? Fulfilling how? One in which she worships you as much as you worship yourself, you bloated gasbag!? And what is "doing your own thing"? Cheating on your partner? Jacking off to pictures of yourself and your Old West handlebar mustache (yes, he has one! RIDICULOUS!)?].

I'm looking to grow [Grow up, maybe?] a quality long-term relationship to celebrate life [Okay, now he's just getting waaaaaay too New Age hippie dipshit. Not only is he repeating what he just said in the previous paragraph, he's making it even VAGUER and more incomprehensible. "Celebrate life?" Huh?]; I am open to the possibility that could be with you [Huh? The "possibility" is with Comrade E? Or is he saying that he is open to the possibility of BEING with Comrade E? I'm confused -- AGAIN!] - unless you would rather miss out and live without my fun energy [Oh, so now he resorts to THREATS! Yeah, this winner is pulling out ALL the stops to show just what a great guy he is. "Be with me forever or be a loser -- your choice!" That's not off-putting AT ALL, Mr. Great Communicator, Mr. Life Celebrator! Wow, what "fun energy" you have! Idiot.].

Wouldn't it be amazing [If you realized what a fool you were? Yes] to feel yourself opening to a new direction [Huh?] and experience your genuine [What?] love [Are you STILL talking? Haven't you made a big enough ass of yourself? Oh my fucking god, now you're just being ridiculous for no reason! And you're making me tired. AND you're ALREADY talking about LOVE! FUCK!], imagination and deep emotions [Someone kill me]? I enjoyed reading that you seem pretty sure of yourself [I'm certainly glad you enjoyed that. Comrade E put it in just for your entertainment. Oh god, why can't I die now?]. I appreciate the perspective you hold in the world [My head hurts. Really, really hurts.]. I like to think about what would happen if everyone did the things you did [I like to think about YOU roasting in hell. And really, if EVERYONE only did the things Comrade E did, we'd all be the same, and how would we survive as a species? Did you think about that? Did you, huh? HUH?!].

Anyway [Please shut up!], I am offering [Just shut up!] to give you [Aaaaahhh!!!!] what you're looking for in a man [Oh god WHY WON'T THIS END?!] - communication, masculine energy, a good listener, stimulation, a happy life, friends, romance, and worldly skills [That's quite a list, guy. You SURE you're up to all that?]. Let's just take our time [God knows YOU do!] to get to know each other [Except let's get married right away. Keep your story straight!], become comfortable sharing some laughs, go on romantic walks, star gaze and have some fun [Is this guy for real?]!

You know, when I take you out on dates [In his mind, he's ALREADY dating Comrade E! He just had his "fulfilling relationship" in HIS OWN EMAIL -- he doesn't need HER now! Comrade E, you're off the hook!], I don't know whether our new adventures will turn into incredibly exciting experiences or just wonderfully fun times [Those are the only options? What about "horribly long interminable ass-numbing sessions of sitting and listening to your FUCKING SELF-SERVING BULLSHIT"?], but it sure is going to feel good to go out and laugh a lot [Yeah, at YOU], isn't it [Okay, I'm spent. If I read one more word of this drivel I'm going to flay myself and mail my skin to this moron.]? "

OH MY FUCKING GOD! I'm soooooo embarrassed for the human race ... Unfuckingbelievable.
Oh, and you should read his PROFILE! It's like TWENTY TIMES LONGER than this! With long-ass bullet-pointed lists of all his amazing traits! Fucking crazy!