Comrade X expands his taxonomy

Comrade X recently wrote about the vicissitudes of the online dating world, and gave some broad general character types to watch out for. Now, he wants to expand that list to include some very specific types you might encounter in your searches. BEWARE OF THESE PEOPLE! We will start here with some of the more heinous and more common male types one might encounter if one is not careful (Nota bene: maintain vigilance AT ALL TIMES when traversing the mephitic ethersphere of the online dating "experience"!):

The Self-Proclaimed Artist:

What he says: will claim to be working in some sort of artistic field to "further his self-expression" in order to a.) "open himself to the greater possibilities of the universe"; b.) "achieve self-fulfillment"; or c.) "attain a higher awareness of the possibilities of my creative potential."

What he means: this narcissistic talentless loser is trying the old bait-and-switch. He DOES NOT create art, but has a room full of paints, junk, stolen items, notices from collection agencies, pornography, etc., in order to give the appearance that what he does is in fact NOT work as a clerk at the local organic food co-op (which job he was recently laid off from) but makes his money creating art that the art world is either currently too unsophisticated to appreciate or too elitist to accept.

Warning: he is NOT an artist, and will make you look at his "creations" until you tell him something that strokes his badly damaged ego. Much of it will be very phallic in nature to compensate for his lack of talent both on the mattress and on the canvas.

What he wants: money, food, and a place to live. Which he hopes to get from some unsuspecting female. Beware!


The Musician:

What he says: will "casually" mention his "band" within first ten words of his profile. The rest of the profile will be variations on this theme.

What he means: he WANTS to be in a band, but doesn't know how to play an instrument and doesn't have the talent or diligence to play one well even if he knew how. Will tell you that "our band just lost our [fill in musician type], and so we're not practicing right now. We're still looking for another [fill in type]."

Warning: you will be subject to long insufferable monologues about why some obscure band you never heard of from the 80s is the best thing to happen to music, ever.

What he wants: to be a musician, i.e., he's a lazy fuck who wants to get laid a lot.


The Adolescent:

What he says: that his age (or yours) doesn't matter, that he's responsible and committed to his career. Usually 20-something, but not always.

What he means: I want my mommy!

Warning: underdeveloped physically, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, socially, and in any other way I might have forgotten to mention.

What he wants: he doesn't know. But it isn't you, ultimately.


The Mountain Man:

What he says: "Love everything having to do with the outdoors, camping, hiking, fishing, snow shoeing, you name it, and am looking for that special person to share it with."

What he means: I'm an ungroomed sociopathic separatist and want to take you to my cabin to force you to produce children whom I can raise (well, whom YOU can raise, and I will indoctrinate) with a hatred for the American government (whom we do not recognize as having any authority over us) and a desire to kill anyone who comes onto our property, which we do not recognize as American soil but as OUR land. Must be able to farm own crops, make own clothes, strip, clean, reassemble, and load an AK-47 in under 10 seconds. Looks not important, but a susceptibility to believing insane conspiracy theories and a willingness to die for them a must.

Warning: date survival rates with this type are alarmingly low.

What he wants: nothing he can articulate coherently.


These are merely four types who commonly lurk on the various online sites. Learn to recognize them -- it might save your life. It will certainly save you some aggravation.

This has been yet another public service announcement from Comrade X.