My balls hurts.

The copy writers had to have known that this would invite the greatest graffiti responses ever. I congratulate them on their ingenuity and revolutionary spirt.

(Dear readers,

please insert your own blank in the comments. Consider it a contest. Winner gets their blank fixed.)

I'm so glad they reminded me.

I didn't know if I should shoot them or love them so I'm really relieved that I saw this poster in the subway. And the best part is that it's July and I have 5 whole months to prepare!

Today's Sermon: The Book of Handbasket, 7. xvii.

Yea, my bretheren and sisteren, today I wish to speak to thee of the proverbial handbasket, and of our journey in it -- our journey STRAIGHT TO HELL. And yea, ye might asketh, "To what does this handbasket pertaineth? Must we listeneth to thy confusing and garbled metaphor?" To which I say yea, my bretheren and sisteren, YE MUST.

For lo, seeth the heathenish depiction above and its most base yet true caption, steeped in sarcasm and UNENDING INTERPERSONAL ANTAGONISM, and know: he who partaketh in the ritual of UNHOLY MATRIMONY, he shalt go STRAIGHT TO HELL, and not in any comfortable manner, nay, not in the Full-Wetbar Limousine of Satan, not in the Cablecar of Salacious Expectation, not in the Volkswagon Bug of Illicit Desires, nay: he shalt go in the Handbasket to Hell, the most expedient and most righteous way to dispatch his soul to the Netherworld, to the world of unending torment and everlasting torture, to that Wasteland of the Human Soul, to marriage, the hell of the Befuddled and Confused Bourgeois Follower of Outdated and Oppressive Rituals.

For lo, my bretheren and sisteren, listen unto my words: marriage is a trap, a snare, a most unholy and unnatural state of being, a VERY HELL OF UNDISCUSSED AND UNFULFILLED EXPECTATIONS and MOST UNPLEASANT SURPRISES that can do naught but leave its sufferers unsatisfied and wallowing in the most cruel and painful of earthly torments. Yea, my bretheren and sisteren, this be MARRIAGE!

For lo, it is truly written in many sources, of which I quoteth here but a choice few:

"Take my wife, please." (Hen. Young. 1.1)

"For it is written, let he who entereth unto the state of matrimony, let him learn to toucheth his wife not, nor she he, and let them seetheth in unending futile frustration, until they can taketh no more, and he searcheth out other comforts, and she taketh of many prescription medicines, until they do turn themselves into ashes in the very conflagration of ceaseless incriminations, incriminations the more pointed and cruel as they are based upon truth, and let them not toucheth of each others' flesh forever and ever, until they die a dusty death, unfulfilled and full of hate, forever and ever, drawn down into the realm of Satan, to be eternally in the other's company, always to argue over the most menial of things, a torture to last unto the end of days, Amen." (Bk. Hol. Mat. I.iv.)

"And lo, there came a day, a day unlike any other day, when the husband did look upon the wife, and the wife unto the husband, and they did recognize the MUTUAL INFERIORITY of the other, exacerbated by the unholy OPPRESSIONS OF CHURCH AND STATE, which be separatedeth not, and they didst lament until their tears didst turn the very earth to salt, and they could harvest naught, and their progeny didst wither and fail like unto the crops of the salted field, and they were barren, and after that day they had naught, and heedeth naught, and turneth their faces from the Lord, and didst not recognize the HOLY RELEASE OF DIVORCE, that most beneficial of institutions, handed down from generation unto generation by the Lord Himself (until He wast ignored and heeded not by the unrighteous and indignant and MOST IGNORANT of his FUNDAMENTALIST AND FEARFUL followers, they who dost reject and fear the very PLEASURES OF THE FLESH, pleasures they FEAR to enjoy yet seeketh out still in the steamy heat of their rancid desires, under cover of night, in back alleys and bus station restrooms, in glory holes and other unsavory places, and denieth unto mankind these very same pleasures, for they wanteth them to suffer like unto their own suffering, like children who doth accept a toy and breaketh it and wanteth not the other children to enjoyeth of the same), yea, handed down to save mankind from that which must surely destroy it -- SEXUAL DISSATISFACTION DUE TO HASTY AND UNWISE DECISIONS THAT LEADETH TO INCOMPATIBLE COUPLINGS, Amen." (Plain Truth, I.ii.)

Yea, my bretheren and sisteren, heedeth my words! Hasten not into marriage, and avoideth it like unto the very PLAGUE itself, for it is the quickest road to Hell, it is a handbasket, and taketh instead the road of MUTUAL SATISFACTION unencumbered by LAWS OF CHURCH AND STATE, intrusions, yea, intrusions into the VERY SOUL ITSELF by those most greedy and grasping of Satan's minions, the politicians, the money-changers, and the clergy. Amen.

You know you love it.

Oh God, I know. I know. I do love it! I just can't stop! I really have to stop. I try and try, but it's just, like, this craving that overpowers me. It's almost like there are giant signs telling me to eat it. I'm so obsessed sometimes I even go out and bum some from the teenagers in the alley.

But look, I found this company. Please lord, I hope they can help me.

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Shoes: A Primer

This shoe is sexy.
This shoe is sturdy.
This shoe is comfortable.
This shoe is boring.


This shoe is ridiculous.
And this shoe is just motherfucking STUPID. I can't believe that I actually see people WEARING these. IN PUBLIC! AS FASHION STATEMENTS! What the fuck kind of moron wears a shoe that has separate pockets for the toes? What exactly is the advantage of this? And I've seen people EXERCISING in them! Apparently it's an ATHLETIC SHOE! Fucking hell, people, get a fucking grip! This is just a fucking sartorial abomination! What load of shit have you been fed that made you buy them? Fucking capitalist consumers: they'll buy ANYTHING if REI sells it. FUCK YOU, REI! FUCK YOU for making me have to see this shit in my daily life! Fuck you for making me have to live in a world where this product exists! Fuck you for making me have to live in a world where people exist who will BUY this product! Just, FUCK YOU! Oh, and they come in a sexy strap version, too:
Oh, and: it's NOT a shoe!

Today's Sermon: Min. Kis. iv. 1/2.

Yea, my bretheren and sisteren, I will skip the usual introduction to my sermon and launch STRAIGHT into the EEEEEEEEEVIL that doth stare up at us from the DEPTHS OF SMALLNESS, the very air around our knees, the places where NO ONE LOOKS, yea, the very PITS OF UPPER HELL ITSELF! And so I skip my introduction, my bretheren and sisteren, for this EEEEEEEEEVIL must be combated, and combated RIGHTEOUSLY and WITHOUT MERCY, for it doth lurk at OUR VERY FUNDAMENT ITSELF, this curse, this ABOMINATION, this DREADED HEATHEN MINI-LEVIATHAN that doth call itself MINI-KISS!

I know you have felt the fear, o my bretheren and sisteren, the fear and UNHOLY DREAD of tiny cloven feet pitter-pattering up behind you, the sound of DAMNATION ITSELF as it doth converge upon thy path, SNEAKING like THIEVES behind ye to shank thee in the very VITALS of thy body, yea, in thy very IMMORTAL SOUL ITSELF: the fear, I say, of the dreaded LITTLE PERSON himself, whose very appearance is ABSOLUTE PROOF of the workings of SATAN ON EARTH, yea, especially when this tiny terror, this diminutive damnable devil, this undersized unpleasantness, this puny purveyor of perdition doth dress in the CLOTHES OF VILE SATANIC ROCKERS in imitation of the tawdry and illicit UNMENTIONABLE LIFESTYLE of those taller and more talented than themselves! Yea, my bretheren and sisteren, I speak to thee today of the little people, the pint-sized, the dwarfish, the midgetisimal, the puny, the itty-bitty little ol' ankle-biters themselves, the UNHOLY OFFSPRING OF SATAN, the MIDGET!

For is it not written, "Let he who is but one-tenth the size of the fruit of the loins of man partake in merely one-tenth of the treasures of heaven" (Midg. Fax. 1), and is it not also written that "He who partaketh of but one-tenth or less of the treasures of Heaven may by no means entereth Heaven, for he hath not enough to beshrow upon the priest at tithing-time, who doth demandeth one-tenth, but will accepteth much more in the name of His Holy Father" (Cath. Greed. 7)? Yea, it is WRITTEN! And lest thee be not convinced by the GOOD BOOK OF HOLY CORRECTNESS AND INDISPUTABLE FACT (yes, FACT), then let even the writings of the layman, the heathen, and the UNRIGHTEOUS UNBELIEVER compel thee:

"Short people got no reason to live" (Rand. Newm. 78).

"Do you really think she can be that into you, you being ... small, and all? I mean, are you proportionate, if you catch my drift?" (Jer. Spring. 2002).

"And when they hold their convention here, man, that's when you gotta watch out, man, cause then they got, like, midget gangs n' shit, man, and they all armed n' shit and will blow your fuckin' cock off, man, cause they all, like, cock-height an' shit, man!" (Com. X. Phob. 1).

"This aggression will not stand. This aggression ... will not ... stand" (Bush. II. Dum. Ass. I.).

"Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats.
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it
Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da,
Given good manners you will go far.
You will live in happiness too,
Like the oompa loompa do-ba-dee-doo.
Do-ba-dee-doo." (Wil. Wonk. orig. 64.12)

And to turn one final time to the Good Book, I quoteth thus: "And lo, he walked out of the city and was received by the Little People, who did spirit him off on what they promised was a river of chocolate in a field of manna, and lo, he didst believe them and trustedeth not in the WORD OF THE LORD, and so didst enter into their vessel, and sail upon the chocolaty river, and didst drink of the river, and didst develop the DIABETES, and boils and sores sprang up upon his body which in nowheres wast unafflicted, and the Little People didst jibber and jabber and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe (all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe) and then didst abandon him there, and lo, he didst lose his feet, and wast forever unhappy, for he couldst washeth them not so as to be like unto the Lord, Amen" (Gd. Bk. 666).

YEA! Dost thou SEE? Dost thou PERCEIVE? Shalt thou let his vice, this plague, this Satanic and heathenish miasma settle upon thee and thy land? I say thee NAY! This aggression WILL NOT STAND!

BELIEVE IT OR NOT!