A sampling of offerings from James Klindt's menu at his new restaurant, Eats and Sweets:
"Honey, I Ate the Kids": a tasty brouillade with eggs, truffles, and generous gobbets of freshly-hacked child's flesh. Served with a side salad (with carmelized walnuts) and baby carrots in a butter sauce.
"This Little Piggy Went to Market": human toes sauteed in a base of chicken broth and our secret herbs, wrapped in pancetta and served on a bed of crisp Romaine lettuce with a side of cottage cheese.
"Prison-Yard Blues": blue-corn gruel served with a salt peter sauce and a side of fries.
"Shut Yer Yap!": human lips lightly breaded and served with an aioli dipping sauce. Can be eaten as an appetizer or a main dish. We recommend pairing this with a glass of Mouton '09 for a gustatory experience you won't soon forget!
"Heeeeeeeeeeerrrrrre's JOHNNY!": axe-carved salt-cured human thigh meat and an iceberg lettuce side salad with ranch dressing. We recommend pairing this with a healthy shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon. Enjoy your meal, Mr. Torrance!
"I Gotta Hand It to Ya, Mildred!": delicate (human) ladies' fingers served on a bed of bacon and a semifreddo egg custard for dessert. Truly finger-lickin' good!
"I'll Kill You, You Fuckin' Cunt!": a rich seviche consisting of sole, pompano, and human vagina. The house specialty. Not available in September. Ask server for pricing.
"And This One's For Ruining My Life!": a lovely cioppino-inspired stew of generous chunks of human liver, kidney, heart, and gall bladder. Served in a tomato base with garlic and our special spices. Comes with our house bread.
"Axe Me Later": the house special. Dishes vary depending on the local catch of the day. Ask server for availability.
"Straight-Up Cannibalism": human meat, served raw. Certain waivers must be signed before eating. Available upon request only.
"Git Yer Ass in the Kitchen, Bitch!": human flank steak marinated in organic tamari sauce with ginger and shallots. Served with our house fries and your choice of Brussels sprouts or julienned carrots. A perennial favorite!
"Wuz the Milkman Squeezin' Them Titties, Too?": white human breast meat served bechamel. Served with bocconcini. We recommend pairing this dish with an Italian Montepulciano for a truly extraordinary dining experience!
"Twenty Years in the Hole": tossed green salad with our house vinaigrette.
"Hey, Bitch, I Been Thinkin' ...": human brains in a semolina breading, covered with shitake mushrooms and sun-dried tomatoes. A seasonal favorite.
Bon Appetite!
