ENJOY THE GO

I know, I know, for some reason we are obsessed with toilet paper here at IBS.
We can't help it.

But just PLEASE, PLEASE watch the Charmin(g) video and see if you can fucking stand it!

http://www.charmin.com/en_US/enjoy-the-go/index.php

with transcript below,

"We all go to the bathroom. Every day. In the morning. After morning coffee. Especially after morning coffee. Talk about getting things going! At work. After dinner. Whew, that curry was hot! Bottom line, we spend a lot of time going. It's one of life's essentials. Charmin® wants to help turn this simple need into a more enjoyable routine. The relief. The calm. The clean. The comfort. After all, there's nothing healthy about holding things in.

Fact is, we all go. Those who go with Charmin really enjoy the go."

Really? Enjoy the go ? WTHEFUCKING?

This reeks of pooping fetishism, mental illness, psychosis, cultural implosion, personal explosion, and the rise and fall of Rome. That is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. The nerve of them . Are they the Lady Gaga of toilet paper? Who is writing their copy, G.G. Allen?

Look what else is on the web site:

1. Upromise (remember that Sallie Mae credit card that we slaughtered a while back?).Well, it's connected to Charmin toilet paper coupons,because owing $100,000 gives us all diarrhea.
2. You can download a sit or squat app. WHAT IS THAT?
3. The web site lists "fun extras". What are fun toilet paper extras? I was too nauseous to look.

After you stop vomiting , I'll tell you a little story. I mustered my post apocalyptic Kaiser Permante Hospital stay strength --a story which will be told one day long, long in the future with many, many chapters--and went to Vons in search of outrage.

The most baffling award went to "On the Go" teeny tiny roll of travel pack Charmin toilet paper. It was a minuscule roll without the holder part. And why would we need this? Because we live in India, or Canada where they don't have toilet paper? And if this is the case, then wouldn't we need to bring eighteen cases of double 24 ply?

Oh, I forgot to tell you the little story. It involves a pretentious asshole asking for whale meat in the seafood department. I'll tell you after my nap.

I'm facebooking Charmin. I suggest you do too.

Fuck you, bitch. Wait, can I be you ?

This from the New York Times Style section.
http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/27/profile-in-style-kelly-wearstler/

Impossibly fabulous. Impossibly tall. Impossibly fabulous. Impossibly tall.

Something about those big orange lines on the wall and the orange in the painting fill me with such dread and rage that I can barely breathe.

See if you can read the rest of the article and and scroll through this woman's life without strangling the nearest person/thing/pet/boyfriend/grandmother.

I read these type of things and buy into it. Don't we all ? Isn't that the whole point; to make us feel inferior,ugly,dumb,pedestrian? It's a big HUGE obvious ploy for us to buy,buy, buy, but yet I STILL BUY BUY BUY INTO IT !!!

IT MAKES ME WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF AND THEN GRAB TUFTS OF HER HAIR AND YANK IT OUT.

Is it possible that this is not a myth ? Does this really exist ? (Actually I have seen it first hand.)

That's the sad part. It does exist.

(Impossibly conflicted feelings-- There, I confess)

xo--Y

Does this come in snuggly ?

I WISH this was the reason my marriage failed. It seems so normal.

Your husband farts. He leaves. Awesome.

Instead I got a pathologically cheap musician who was fucking a Jesus loving game show host, and who STILL wouldn't leave !

Wheres the blanket for that , Huh ? HUH ? The Shroud of Turin ? Anthrax flavored Snugly ? Small poxy-o's flavored blanket? Pigs in a blanket? Michael Jackson's Son ?

I'll take losers for 500$, Alex.

I did try to fart my husband into leaving me, but it was so powerful the military was alerted and special op's intervened. This is actually how Better Marriage Blanket(BMB) was invented. He wrapped it around his head and plugged on NEVER taking it off ! He was an oddly determined fellow.

Comrade X returns to an old subject (with new information!)

Well, here we are again, discussing the one thing that truly defines culture and separates the first world from the rest of it. Comrade X looks first (with more to follow) at this particular manifestation of the product which we all use, all need, and all want, and can't do without, capitalism or no capitalism: Charmin Basic. Okay, point by point:

1. Basic? Is there a Charmin Advanced? Is it more complicated to use? Can it do algebra? Will it do your taxes? More importantly, can you write it off your taxes? Does it take TWO hands to properly manipulate? Do you have to have an advanced ass to use it? Does it incorporate "space age technology"? Is it made of "microfibers"? Do you have to pass a test to use it? Geez.

2. Again with the phony math! 18 BIG rolls DOES NOT equal 36 regular rolls! And what exactly is the difference between regular and big (I know other brands actually spell this out -- does Charmin assume we already know the fake equation here?)? Please see my previous post (2/18/2010) on why this advertising tactic is the STUPIDEST THING out there, and can only appeal to the STUPIDEST CONSUMER! Aaaarrgh!

3. The three bears? Why are animals ALWAYS used to advertise this product? I'm baffled.

4. Long lasting? How long do you need it, exactly? How many seconds is the toilet paper really in contact with your butt? Half a second? Is this designed to capture the market of wipers who like to take their time using this product? And who would take their time in this task? I don't know about you, but I like to get that part of that activity over with as fast as possible.

5. Durable? Is it made of reinforced wood pulp fibers? Wood pulp "microfibers"? How durable do you need it to be? How abrasive is the surface you're WIPING? Isn't it usually the other way around?

Are you as confused as I am by this? Who comes up with this stuff? What makes them think it will be effective? And how exactly do we CHOOSE a toilet paper brand in the first place? Do you know when you first decided to use yours? Or why? Hmm ...