WHY YOU TALK LOUD AT ME ?

Obnoxious T-shirts have been on the top of my hit list for so long that I forget to even think about it anymore.

I saw this guys T-shirt on the subway today and it all came back to me.

First of all,who decided that shirts have to talk so much. Can't we just wear shirts? Do we all have to shout at each other with our shirts ?

Do we care that you think "Save a tree, wipe your ass with a spotted owl" is funny?
or that you "Hate to love and Love to hate " or that "You were my favorite artist at the Whitney Biennial 2010 "

The general public has been coerced into renting out their chests for unethical sloganisms , dubious advertisements, and cultural ruination for so long that we've forgotten to care anymore. "Here, take my chest for what ever purposes you so desire, oh great and mighty beast.I DOTH NOT NOTICE. "

People ! Let's just be quiet with our shirts .

Shhhhh. SHUSH. shhhhhhhhhhhhh shush ! Why you talk loud at me ?

TODAY Ferdinand Marcos was on the subway and he kindly offered me his seat.

I thought," Well. Ferdinand what are you doing here!?" and I also thought

"Why is this guy such a gentlemen?" and then I thought "Do I look so tired and infirm, that I need to sit down ? "

I quietly declined and gave him an ill fated smile. When he got up to get off the train he stood right smack in front of me. Not a gentleman at all ! His shirt ,oh how I wish you were there to see it.

It had these little illustrations of CIGARETTES having sex all over it ! Yup. Cigarettes with little genitalia giving each other hand jobs, blow jobs , 69's , anal , fucking in all different positions, and doing some other things I actually didn't recognize but was afraid to scrutinize any further.

Actual drawings of cigarettes fucking .On a shirt . Many pairs of cigarettes! Like an orgy! What if a child saw that ? They'd never be able to grow up and smoke without having nightmares.

Speaking of which ,it's possible there was some anti-tobacco message at the top of the shirt but I was too mesmerized by the little cigarette-sex for it to register. And the weirdest thing was that I got horny. Not because they were having sex but because they were CIGARETTES having sex ! It was like double porno.

This is who you get when you call Sallie Mae

Have you called Sallie Mae yet? Did you get the Yell Staff? This is the training center for EVERY SINGLE PERSON who works at call centers or any other agency where you have to negotiate a completely confusing phone tree that routes you from one unwanted option to another for twenty minutes until you finally start hitting random buttons to get an actual operator (after a twenty- to one thousand-minute wait) who merely tells you that they can't do what you want, no way, nuh-uh, never in a million years. And, when you ask why not, they get pissy and pull out their Yell Staff, Inc., manuals and go down the list:

1. Attack customer's basic premises. Example: Customer: "I want to renegotiate my loans." Staff member: "You already negotiated them. We don't REnegotiate them. It's impossible. You can't redo what you've already done. You signed contracts. Your request is unreasonable. Therefore, your conclusion -- that your loans will be renegotiated -- is untenable. Sorry! [Hang up.]"

2. When customer becomes enraged after being told that you will do absolutely nothing for them, tell them all the reasons why their rage is completely unjustified and will not be tolerated. Staff member: "I will NOT be spoken to that way, sir! Your problems are YOUR problems, and you should deal with them before calling us. We are not psychiatrists. We don't care about your personal life. I am disconnecting you now. But first, let me just say: you need to reevaluate your life. Your priorities are in disarray. You, sir, are a mess and a child and are in no way capable of acting as a productive member of an adult society. [Hang up.]"

3. Insult your customer and then give a false name so it can't be traced back to you. Staff member: "You're a fuck-up, dude! It's laughable -- HA! -- to think that I'm going to do ANYTHING for you! You don't know where I am, so your threats are meaningless, and I don't care about you, and there's no way I'm getting my fat ass out of this chair to help you in any way and NO WAY I'm asking anyone anything about your problem and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I'm pushing any buttons on this computer to make your problem disappear, so fuck off! My name is Nebuchadnezzar, feel free to talk to my manager about this if you're not completely satisfied with the service you've received. Ha! Loser. [Hang up.]"

The Yell Staff, Inc., manual is not overly-complicated. Very simple directions, mostly taken from observations about how people really treat each other every day in this crappy degraded capitalist world of mannerless fucks.