Today's Sermon: Min. Kis. iv. 1/2.

Yea, my bretheren and sisteren, I will skip the usual introduction to my sermon and launch STRAIGHT into the EEEEEEEEEVIL that doth stare up at us from the DEPTHS OF SMALLNESS, the very air around our knees, the places where NO ONE LOOKS, yea, the very PITS OF UPPER HELL ITSELF! And so I skip my introduction, my bretheren and sisteren, for this EEEEEEEEEVIL must be combated, and combated RIGHTEOUSLY and WITHOUT MERCY, for it doth lurk at OUR VERY FUNDAMENT ITSELF, this curse, this ABOMINATION, this DREADED HEATHEN MINI-LEVIATHAN that doth call itself MINI-KISS!

I know you have felt the fear, o my bretheren and sisteren, the fear and UNHOLY DREAD of tiny cloven feet pitter-pattering up behind you, the sound of DAMNATION ITSELF as it doth converge upon thy path, SNEAKING like THIEVES behind ye to shank thee in the very VITALS of thy body, yea, in thy very IMMORTAL SOUL ITSELF: the fear, I say, of the dreaded LITTLE PERSON himself, whose very appearance is ABSOLUTE PROOF of the workings of SATAN ON EARTH, yea, especially when this tiny terror, this diminutive damnable devil, this undersized unpleasantness, this puny purveyor of perdition doth dress in the CLOTHES OF VILE SATANIC ROCKERS in imitation of the tawdry and illicit UNMENTIONABLE LIFESTYLE of those taller and more talented than themselves! Yea, my bretheren and sisteren, I speak to thee today of the little people, the pint-sized, the dwarfish, the midgetisimal, the puny, the itty-bitty little ol' ankle-biters themselves, the UNHOLY OFFSPRING OF SATAN, the MIDGET!

For is it not written, "Let he who is but one-tenth the size of the fruit of the loins of man partake in merely one-tenth of the treasures of heaven" (Midg. Fax. 1), and is it not also written that "He who partaketh of but one-tenth or less of the treasures of Heaven may by no means entereth Heaven, for he hath not enough to beshrow upon the priest at tithing-time, who doth demandeth one-tenth, but will accepteth much more in the name of His Holy Father" (Cath. Greed. 7)? Yea, it is WRITTEN! And lest thee be not convinced by the GOOD BOOK OF HOLY CORRECTNESS AND INDISPUTABLE FACT (yes, FACT), then let even the writings of the layman, the heathen, and the UNRIGHTEOUS UNBELIEVER compel thee:

"Short people got no reason to live" (Rand. Newm. 78).

"Do you really think she can be that into you, you being ... small, and all? I mean, are you proportionate, if you catch my drift?" (Jer. Spring. 2002).

"And when they hold their convention here, man, that's when you gotta watch out, man, cause then they got, like, midget gangs n' shit, man, and they all armed n' shit and will blow your fuckin' cock off, man, cause they all, like, cock-height an' shit, man!" (Com. X. Phob. 1).

"This aggression will not stand. This aggression ... will not ... stand" (Bush. II. Dum. Ass. I.).

"Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats.
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it
Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da,
Given good manners you will go far.
You will live in happiness too,
Like the oompa loompa do-ba-dee-doo.
Do-ba-dee-doo." (Wil. Wonk. orig. 64.12)

And to turn one final time to the Good Book, I quoteth thus: "And lo, he walked out of the city and was received by the Little People, who did spirit him off on what they promised was a river of chocolate in a field of manna, and lo, he didst believe them and trustedeth not in the WORD OF THE LORD, and so didst enter into their vessel, and sail upon the chocolaty river, and didst drink of the river, and didst develop the DIABETES, and boils and sores sprang up upon his body which in nowheres wast unafflicted, and the Little People didst jibber and jabber and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe (all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe) and then didst abandon him there, and lo, he didst lose his feet, and wast forever unhappy, for he couldst washeth them not so as to be like unto the Lord, Amen" (Gd. Bk. 666).

YEA! Dost thou SEE? Dost thou PERCEIVE? Shalt thou let his vice, this plague, this Satanic and heathenish miasma settle upon thee and thy land? I say thee NAY! This aggression WILL NOT STAND!

BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Why? Just fucking why?

Comrade X hates Doctor Pepper. Comrade X hates Kiss. But what Comrade X hates the most is MIDGETS! Look, it's a phobia, alright? It's not like I'm being racist -- midgets aren't a race! And I'm not prejudiced -- I don't think that we're inherently BETTER than midgets, I'm just SHIT FUCKING SCARED of them! I don't know why -- who ever knows why they have a phobia? It's just that they're so small and stuff, and I'm pretty sure that they're kind of hateful (I mean, seriously, wouldn't YOU be, if you were a midget?), and my REAL fear is that I won't see one coming and he'll pull a shiv and stick me and steal my money. Yes, I FEAR MIDGETS! Now, combine that fear with my hatred of both Kiss and Doctor Pepper and what do you get?

FUCKING MINI-KISS! SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY INFLAMING MY HATRED!

Now look, before I get flamed by the Midget Anti-Defamation League or the Friends of Dwarfs Society (and yes, I do realize that there's a difference between the two), I have to say that this is a LEGITIMATE MENTAL CONDITION, one of many that your beloved Comrade X carries around with him every day like a midget on his back, weighing him down and stabbing him in the neck and generally causing misery. It's called (believe it or not) Lollypopguildophobia, or, more scientifically, achondroplasiaphobia. Yes, I have achondrowhateverthefuckophobia.

Fucking midgets.

But hey, according to phobia-fear-release.com, a super-highly-advanced-ultimate-scientific website:

"Midgets are dwarf people who have a sort of deformed stature and they look unusual and at times even frightening.

Thus, when they stand before you, they make you feel awkward and at times uncomfortable – this is what this phobia all about is.

Symptoms
The other name of midget phobia is Lollypopguildophobia and it is accompanied by several symptoms such as dizziness, nausea, feeling of sickness, vigorous palpitation of the heart, a fear that you may become mad or lose control, a sort of inability to utter words or think clearly.

Other symptoms are; occasional shaking, mouth becoming dry, lack of breath, a full blown anxiety attack and extreme perspiration.

Do not ever think that you are the only one having this phobia. There are lots of unspoken sufferers who know that they are afraid of the dwarfs but they do not want to confess their condition"

So there you go. The word of SCIENTISTS. EXPERTS. And I agree with all the faulty findings and terrible grammar, except that I here confess my condition, because I no longer want to be a silent sufferer. I am tired of my extreme perspiration and fear that I might become mad when I think of midgets! Oh thank god, I feel so much better. Thanks for listening, Comrades.

P.S. I saw Mini-Kiss play at a local venue. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I stayed for about a half a song. Yeesh.